A Full Marriage
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Charlie Carson wanted a full marriage, but this is not quite what he was expecting…
1. When We're Getting On

Ch 1- When We're Getting On

*This takes place at the edge of season six… so yes, totally impossible, but I just wanted to take the magic _**if**_ for a spin!

"OUCH!" Carson grumbled, pulling the covers away from his wife, briskly turning his back to her in his half asleep state. It hurt her more than it hurt him, but she said nothing, just as she usually did.

Elsie was exhausted but lay awake wide-eyed, noting that even in sleep he was cold as ice. Feeling dejected, her heart sunk and she sighed, a fresh batch of tears springing to her eyes as she shivered: cold and alone. Her heart torn in two, she tugged the bundle of covers toward her, just enough to cover herself and huddled under it, as if for protection.

She listened to the pacing of her husband's breath, fearful he might wake, as his anger subsided and the darkness of night dragged him back into an uneasy sleep. She shivered, staring wide-eyed into the pitch dark that kept her captive night after night, the gaping void he'd left when he'd ripped her heart out months earlier aching like death's sting.

Elsie moaned quietly, having never thought when she wed almost a year earlier that it would be this way. She never could've imagined it would be this way. She was listless, crushed and numb all in the same breath: her utter emptiness incongruous with the new life that teamed inside of her.

She shut her eyes as her hand slid to her middle. _Kick!_ It brushed along the side of her hand, night in and night out, breaking the monotonous silence and filling her head with thoughts of the heartache that took up her days. _Kick,_ kick _, kick!_ It haunted her, and when it did her husband scoffed; making her terrified that she was in a dream from which she'd never wake up.

Elsie squeezed her eyes shut and turned on her side, cradling her belly, urging the unwanted child to stay still. She bit her lip and tears began to fall, as they did night after night.

"Stillness little one." She whispered. "It's what's best for you."

…

Elsie didn't truly sleep; she never did since the news came. Once darkness fell upon her, the little one haunted her into her dreams. Exhausted, Elsie clung to the last vestiges of her nightmarish rest as the light poured in through the windows. She didn't realize she'd cuddled up to her husband and he to her as they slept.

"OUCH!" Carson cried again, the baby's harshest kick causing them both to wake with a jolt.

He jumped out of bed and she sat up, caressing her growing frame in her hand, her hair a mess. He didn't notice the worry on her face, and the dark circles that surrounded her tear-filled eyes. Called to attention, she didn't know what to say to the angry stranger who stood at her side and paused a beat, feeling his unwanted baby happily tap her insides.

He sighed, coming to a realization of what had woken him… yet again.

"That's funny its still there." She started, looking down at herself, the sarcasm in her tone overwhelming.

Carson was heartsick: he adored this woman and had wanted desperately to make her his wife and spend his life with her. But he'd never considered the possibility of making her the mother of his child and didn't want to consider it even now… make that especially now.

"Elsie I just… we're too old." He said, just as he had months before when she first told him.

Resentful, she wanted to laugh at him, but paused instead. Like she didn't know she was past her prime? That her ovaries had an expiration date stamped on them that was in its self a little aged. This was hard on her: she ached with every solitary breath she took. He'd broken her, and the child inside was finishing her off. Fed up with her new husband's excuses, she'd decided months before that she wouldn't argue about the impending baby: she'd tease him instead.

"Well maybe you are, but my eggs were more than willing Mr. Carson."

He was stunned at the graphic depiction and shuttered to think of it like that, her _eggs_.

"Elsie!" He was alarmed.

'We're getting on Mr. Carson.' She'd said at the beach, taking his hand.

He'd loved her for so long he couldn't even say, but he'd only felt steady from the moment she'd first taken his hand. And when he finally proposed, he'd thought this was it, his paradise forever, just his bride and him. She'd been nervous at first, thinking he wouldn't want her as she was, but he'd coxed her into bed and into becoming one.

'I want a full marriage.' He'd said. 'With everything that goes along with it.'

Anything else would've felt like a sham to Carson. But now, he stared down at the growing lump that protruded from her stomach, the last thing he'd wanted or expected from a _full_ marriage at his age.

"How can I be too old for it, when my body took to it like it had nothing left to loose?" She quipped.

She did have nothing left to loose, and everything to loose. Life had never been perfect for either of them. Both married keenly aware of the risks that lie ahead as most married people do: that life was a challenging business, but that until death did them part, they'd be in it together, thick and thin. Still, it couldn't have been even a full month in when she became pregnant. They learned of the news by the time spring turned to summer and found themselves wholly unprepared for the ripple effect it would have on their new marriage.

Elsie would never forget coming to him in tears, her heart bursting with surprise and joy for the miraculous gift she had for her new husband…. Only to have him spew it back in her face, leaving her alone, pregnant and afraid. Memories of his outrage and panic remained on her heart and mind, and even as the months drew on, she couldn't shake the things he'd said: 'how could this happen,' 'is there anything we can do about it…' And worse.

'What happened to for better, for worse?' She'd wanted to ask.

"Mrs. Hughes that's very…" Carson paused, not shy about letting her know he found her language very untoward. " _Vulgar_."

"It's Mrs. Carson, thank you." She snapped. "And that's funny; it wasn't at all vulgar to you _during_ the act…"

He'd been more eager to make love to her than she'd expected; and at first it'd overwhelmed her. But with all honestly, she'd enjoyed it and her new husband much more than she would've ever thought. In hindsight though; she wished she'd gone with her gut and said no.

"It's just… how on earth could you be… _pregnant_." He marveled, not liking the word.

She looked down at herself, six months along now, and wondered how it was he'd yet to come to terms with it all… at the same time, she still found herself in awe.

"You know, its not like it takes one person to create a child Mr. Carson."

"But Elsie, it….you and I…"

"He can hear _you_ , _your son_ can _hear you_ , Mr. Carson." She reminded and he sighed. "You don't want your son to know he's unloved. Even if he is."

"No I…" Carson stopped, his eyes widening at the thought, her words making it too real for him. He wasn't _unloved_ that wasn't it.

"Oh but Elsie how?" He asked quietly. "When we were getting on, you and I?"

Frustrated and not knowing the answer either, Elsie swung her legs out of bed and went to the dressing table where she began to do her hair.

"It's funny, isn't it Mr. Carson? My eggs were so impressed with you; the flattery took twenty years off!"

…..

Carson grimaced as Beryl plopped scrambled eggs onto his plate. It was the last thing he wanted to eat, or even think about. Eggs. He knew she'd said it just to be vulgar, just to get to him. Part of him wished he could show her more affection, after all, she was carrying his baby but he was just too stunned and still quick to anger. This wasn't what he'd planned for their lives together not at all. In reality; he could've never imagined such a thing taken place. Just as words haunted her, leaving a void in her heart, they plagued him. He couldn't get her tears out of his mind, her pleading, heartsick tears when he'd told her he hadn't wanted it and tantrumed on her, as if the dinner were cold and not to his liking.

 _"It's not what I had planned!" He'd continued, Elsie sobbing because he'd just flat out said: 'I don't want_ _ **it**_ _.'_

 _"It's not what I'd planned either Mr. Carson!" She tried to make him understand. 'Do you know how old I am?' She was terrified and it hit her very suddenly that she was going to be aged, alone and left to fend for a little one herself._

 _"Well I…"_

 _"You what?!" She challenged, the bile rising in her throat when it hit her, her marriage was ending just as it was beginning. 'I'm the one who's going to be having the baby!"_

He hadn't wanted to do that to the wife whom he adored; but he got the better of himself. He paused, watching her as she hurriedly overfed herself and Beryl stared back at him, disgust written across her face.

"Maybe its twins." She spat in his direction and he shivered at the thought. She thought twins were in order: it was double punishment for Carson and a double blessing for Elsie.

"I could stand for twins." Elsie said, her mouth full. "It'd explain my back aches."

"Older women do have a higher instance of having twins." Molesley pointed out, not thinking about the inappropriateness of his comment. "The egg will…"

Carson cleared his throat in disgust, pushing his plate away and Molesley stiffened in fear, Baxter grabbing his arm and urging him to stop.

"Sorry." The servant turned teacher whispered.

"Will everyone please stop discussing eggs!" Carson had had enough and got up, leaving the dining room.

"Tell him what I said to say?" Beryl whispered to Elsie.

"Shuuuu." Elsie giggled. "What does your science book say about ancient women, Mr. Molesley?"

….

"He's still not come around?" Beryl asked Elsie once the three women settled into the kitchen.

Elsie held her belly in one hand and her back in the other. Her time spent with her friend seemed like the only time she had that brought her any peace these days, except as time went on and her husband's opinion of her condition didn't change, Elsie found that Beryl became angrier and angrier. Dejected, she sipped her tea as Beryl assumed a fighting position, ranting against her husband. She sighed, listening to the cook's rage, not noting that Daisy watched her carefully. The young girl was amazed and like so many others in the house, wondered how she'd gotten pregnant in the first place. The thought of it happening, even on accident, had never crossed anyone's minds.

"Do you have everything you need?" Carson's voice boomed from the door.

"Yes oh great one." Beryl mocked.

"Mrs. Patmore I was speaking to my wife."

Carson was angry with Beryl and felt that she was prying where she wasn't wanted. After all, he'd poured his heart out to her before the wedding, telling her how very much he treasured his Elsie and how desperate he was for a full marriage with her. Ignoring Beryl, he came up behind Elsie and to her surprise, placed a pillow between her aching back and the hard chair. Despite his aversion to the baby, he waited on Elsie hand and foot, making it clear he still loved her.

"Yes Charlie I'll be fine." She whispered as he kissed the top of her head.

"I want you off your feet today, I…"

"Mr. Carson I'm fine." She assured and without another word he nodded, scrambling from the room.

"Disgusting." Beryl muttered, a thick spoon in hand.

Her heart sunk, her husband's special care of her making her feel all the worse: he loved her. He loved her tremendously, she could feel it in the brush of his lips against her hair, even in the anger he projected… but he did not love the child they'd made, something that opened old wounds for the aging mother to be. Elsie was quiet until Daisy left the room. Caressing her belly, she looked up at her friend, tears in her eyes.

"Mrs. Patmore."

"He'll get what's coming to him, I swear that…"

"Mrs. Patmore." The cook stopped when she realized Elsie was being deadly serious. "I was raised by a da that didn't want me." She sniffled, feeling the little one kick hard.

"Oh." Beryl's heart sank. The cook had been raised by a man who'd loved her deeply.

"My child won't have the same. He won't." She shook her head, determined.

"W-what are you going to do?" Beryl dried her tears.

"Scotland."


	2. Don't Forsake It

Ch 2- Don't Forsake It

A Month Earlier

 _"I feel like such a silly old thing who's gone and made a mistake..." Elsie said, cradling her growing frame in her arms._

 _Beryl's heart sunk at the way her friend held her unborn child, staring down at her rounded belly, her gaze full of a pitiful sadness the cook could barely stand to see. Elsie sniffled. These days, she only let her guard down when alone with Beryl, and only she knew how upset Elsie truly was._

 _"Now I'll hear none of that!" The cook cried. "You're starting to sound like_ _ **him**_ _!"_

 _Elsie paused, biting her lip. That's what he'd said: he'd called it, their baby, a mistake…_

" _My poor unwanted wee little one." She muttered, running her hand over her side._

 _"Don't call him…."_

 _"OH!" Elsie cried, wincing suddenly, nearly jumping._

 _Beryl darted toward her friend with worry and Elsie hurriedly grabbed her hand, placing it at her side. She couldn't help but smile even through her tears, and closed her eyes, imagining Charlie's mammoth hand on her side._

 _"Mrs. Patmore, do you feel that?" She bit her lip, unable to suppress her smile._

 _Beryl nodded in amazement, never having felt such a feeling before._

 _"It's…"_

 _"He's kicking!" Elsie giggled, her eyes still closed._

 _Even through her tears, Elsie's smile was infectious and despite her worry, caused Beryl to laugh with joy. The two women dwelled in their happiness for a moment until Mr. Carson graced them with his presence, clearing his throat._

 _The two women stopped cold and not knowing what to say or how to say it, both their hands on her belly as they felt the child within her make its first punches. Elsie gulped, seeing the coldness in his gaze, and Beryl stopped herself from reaching for her frying pan, ready to strike._

 _"Mrs. Hughes I came to talk to you ab…"_

 _"Charlie he's…."_

 _"The livery, Mrs. Hughes, it's missing and the gong has been rung."_

 _Angry, Elsie grabbed his hand, more full of resentment now than ever, and held it there pressed to her side where the baby happily kicked. She paused, staring up at him, gathering strength that reflected in her eyes like a storm waiting to strike. Beryl backed away and watched closely as Mr. Carson's eyes widened and he gulped audibly._

 _"Your son." Elsie said simply. "Mr. Carson."_

 _Elsie could feel it kick once more, much harder this time as her husband pulled away, yanking his hand back, practically shaking it as to cleanse himself of his child's touch. He said nothing of the experience and cleared his throat, turning out the door without his wife._

 _"Mrs. Hughes, the livery!" He called._

 _Elsie's heart sunk. She averted her gaze, too ashamed to look at Beryl, and followed her husband out of the room. Beryl picked up the pan she'd had in mind and held it high above her head, starting to follow the couple, but Daisy grabbed her hand and kept her there._

...

'How,' She wondered. 'Am I to make a home for this child when he refuses to have part in it?'

Elsie stopped, her hands trembling as she pressed a tiny pillow against her rounded belly. It was pouring out and she'd stayed home that day, feeling too tired to face the rain, and having outstanding tasks in the home that needed tending. Elsie stood in the doorway of the vacant, dusty little room, the most ominous of jobs looming before her.

"Your curmudgeon of a da should be doing this…"

She'd asked him. And asked him again. And of course, nothing had come to pass. Elsie was so horribly confused by the man whose hand she'd taken in marriage just seven months earlier. She'd come home exhausted the night before, and despite his aversion to her pregnancy, he'd insisted on removing her shoes, rubbing her feet and making her supper even though he was far too tired himself. Yet, when she'd inquired once again about the task at hand: ice.

Elsie sighed sadly, knowing that if he wouldn't do it, it wouldn't get done at all. It was a task she certainly couldn't achieve on her own in her condition. Elsie bit her lip, gazing at the sad, empty little room that had been slated for her baby. The walls were bare, the paint pealing, the window broken, the room's state saying everything about what was to come. She sniffled, wiping away a tear, telling herself to be strong.

"He won't even make sure you've a warm cot to sleep in ..." She reflected, the thought making her heart ache.

Elsie didn't want to leave her husband; she loved him very much. She needed the security he provided, and had always dreamed of being with him… but then there was the baby.

"Ouch!" Elsie burst, the child kicking hard. "My wee one is a bit of a strong one." She teased, rubbing her side, the notion making her feel better in the moment. This baby needed to be strong.

Elsie talked to the baby every minute she was alone. She knew too well that it could hear; and was determined that no matter what, he would have one parent who loved him tremendously. Sadly, the child was usually more active when his father was around. She'd never said it to anyone, and that was the saddest part; the unborn baby seemed to adore his da. Even now, she could feel the pain her child would go through in having its father turn his nose at him. It'd been a pain she knew all too well, and Elsie was heartbroken in part because she thought she'd married a man who'd never treat his own flesh and blood that way. Elsie stared back at the empty room; feeling further convicted to follow through with her plans to leave him and go to Scotland.

She stopped, taking a deep breath, hugging her middle with both arms, looking down at the child with the fullest admiration her deep blue eyes could muster. She steadied herself, part of her pleading with another to hold out.

"Mummy doesn't know what to do: she loves your da but…. she couldn't stand to see you unloved, unwanted…. When I love you so much."

No matter what she did, Charlie hadn't come around in all this time, and Elsie didn't know how much longer she could wait. She'd stayed home that day to plan, perhaps to flee even. But she didn't have the heart. If nothing else, she needed the day as a refuge from the man who was breaking her heart and the young woman whose heart she'd broken.

'Why don't we just give it to the Bates?' Elsie had barked at her husband one day recently as they walked down Downton's backstairs together. 'That'll make everyone happy; put things back in the proper order!'

Carson had stopped; the heartache in his own eyes quickly veiled by the put-on of an overly pronounced sense of decorum when he'd continued with: 'Well, it is a _Carson_ , Mrs. Hughes… there's no way I could allow it to be a Bates.'

Elsie, of course had been referring to the odd dynamic that had emerged downstairs when the aging Elsie unexpectedly became pregnant, and Anna had suffered another miscarriage. Anna was very sweet to Elsie still; but she could see the angst play out in the other woman's eyes, her pain written in the way she walked, even breathed around her. And as her belly grew, the odd tension between the two couples increased. Here they were, with a baby one of them didn't want, when the other two were young enough for it and would do anything to be blessed with a child.

'Don't forsake it Charlie.' She'd warned the previous night. 'There are so many people who want what you have and I am one of them: don't tempt fate and forsake me my babe.'

Elsie paused, contemplating the thought as she caressed her belly. Something about all of it wasn't right, or fair but deep inside she didn't really care: this was her miracle baby, a piece of her and Charlie together that she was never supposed to have. And no matter what happened, or who disapproved, she wouldn't let that baby, or the joy she had in bringing it into the world, be taken from her.

…..

Carson lay awake, staring at his wife as she snored at his side, noting how happy she was in sleep. Her defenses down, she smiled deeply, exuding the joy she kept buried deep within. He reached over, tucking her hair behind her ear, noting that she was absolutely glowing.

"You're so beautiful." He whispered, spellbound by her radiance. "I love you so much. And I'm so undeserving of you."

Elsie sighed, content in her sleep, her hand pressed protectively against her belly. Carson watched her carefully; noting how in love she was, even in sleep, with the little one she carried inside. She smiled, her hand moving across her side as she slept, sparking his curiosity. Just as he'd not shown the expectant mother much kindness, he'd not shown much interest in his unborn baby. But now that his wife slept he figured that it was time. He extended his hand toward her middle and paused, uncertain about the action he was about to take. He yanked it back once before biting his lip and finally forcing himself to lay his palm on her belly. Carson jumped when in seconds he felt a sound _kick!_

He'd felt it once or twice before, she'd made him. The first few times, it'd scared him out of his witts, reminding him of all the reasons he didn't particularly want to be a father, but this time, he found that it awed him in the most unexpected of ways.

'That's _my_ child. _I made that.'_ He considered. _'Its heart beats because_ his mother is so beautiful, and because I love her oh so much.'

Carson moved to pull away; the thought too overwhelming for him, but before he could she grabbed his hand in her sleep, squeezing it tight, keeping it close to her belly. Carson's heart started to beat rapidly and he found himself unable to pull away from Elsie. She had him there, trapped, beguiled…. In love.

"How." He whispered. "Could I ever hurt you? The love of my life. The woman whose carrying my child? And yet hurt you I have, Mrs. Hughes. I've hurt you so much."

Carson's thought was interrupted when he felt the baby move again, but it felt different this time, jolting him a little, the butler not realizing his daughter had the hiccups.

…..

"Mrs. Carson! Mrs. Carson." Isobel called out.

Elsie turned on her toes from her place hanging the wash in Downton's back courtyard. She managed a smile through her grimace, her hand on her lower back as she stood, in an attempt to ease the pain in her back.

"Mrs. Crawley what can I do for you?"

'The question, I'm afraid, is what can I do for you?"

"I'm right as rain Mrs. Crawley." Elsie covered, continuing with the kitchen laundry. Normally, this was not her task, but she was tired and wanted some air, and more importantly, some distance.

"I know your not." Isobel wouldn't take no for an answer.

Elsie paused, biting her lip as she turned to Isobel.

"You're rather in a bad way… I've been told."

Elsie stopped, trying to collect herself before speaking. "Mrs. Crawley, yes things are difficult right now..."

The truth was, it was all an embarrassing matter. At first, Charlie had coaxed her into bed, a bit too publically, using Beryl as a line of communication that in hindsight said everything about how this marriage would be. When she'd accepted his proposal, she'd really not given much thought to having sex, although she had during the many years she'd fancied him…but when they became engaged she was too overwhelmed and it slipped her mind. She'd been sure that he couldn't possibly want her as she was then. She'd not thought of it just in the same way that they'd both never given a second thought to her becoming pregnant.

Everyone else seemed to be of the same mind. The house was flabbergasted to learn she was expecting a baby. Elsie found their genuine surprise, and her husband's disappointment about her condition mortifying. Her fertility, his not wanting the baby and whether or not they had marital relations at all was their business and theirs alone. These days, that was just about the only thing she and her husband agreed on, both were growing tired of other people's meddling.

To make matters worse, the entire house was mad at Carson, save Lady Mary who felt he had the right to be disappointed that he wasn't getting what he thought he was: an infertile wife. Even more mortifying, news of all this had spread through town like wild fire and now everyone knew business that both Carson's thought to be very private. Both would've preferred the information stay between them forever, but the growing child had other ideas. It wasn't bad enough that the house knew and the town meddled. Worst of all, Isobel Crawley knew.

"Mrs. Carson you and I've known each other a long time and I should like to help. Just as you helped Ethel."

Elsie stopped, her mouth agape, offended by the statement. "Mrs. Crawley I'm _very much_ a married woman."

"Well I know all that." Isobel paused, not knowing how to continue for a second. "I'd like you and Mr. Carson to come to tea."

"It won't help Mrs. Crawley." She knew just what the other woman was getting at and deep down, wanted to accept.

Isobel stopped. She too was recently married and several years Elsie's senior. She couldn't imagine this happening to her, and if it did she'd have an even harder time imagining Dickie treat it as a tragedy when it was a blessing.

"Mrs. Crawley, eh Lady…"

"No, no. I'm still Mrs. Crawley around here, it's quite alright."

"Mrs. Crawley, Mr. Carson is already angry enough with me right now."

"Angry for what? It takes two to have a child last I checked."

Elsie sighed. "He considers this a private matter..." So did she, but she was desperate, the other woman's words almost swaying her to accept.

"What? How is it a private matter when he rejects you publically?" Isobel said, a bit too sharply for Elsie's tastes.

The housekeeper stopped, not wanting the other woman to see the tears that had sprung up in her eyes. She'd never thought of it that way: she'd married a man who'd neglected her publically.

"Mrs. Crawley OOOH." She winced, loosing her balance and beginning to sink a bit as the pain struck deeply.

"Mrs. Carson!" Isobel reached out to grab her.

…..

Elsie awoke an hour later to the sound of humming. Her vision was blurry, and she could feel her husband's large hand combing through her hair.

"Ohhh." She muttered, realizing she was crying.

"Shu, shu Elsie love. There you are."

Elsie didn't realize where she was, in her old bed, in his arms. She started to cry harder and pulled away from him, although she was still too out of it to move much. She wanted, in the worst way, to get away from him, and worse she wanted nothing more than to be held by him.

"Baby, baby, where's my…."

"It's alright. He's right here Elsie love, feel." He took her hand and placed it soundly against her abdomen. "There. He's right where he belongs." He swallowed hard.

Elsie may have been faint; but she could never forget. "You said he didn't belong there. You said he was a mistake…" She choked, her tears trailing off.

Carson remained silent and leaned down, kissing his wife's forehead. He said nothing for a moment. "Our son." He paused, it was the first time he'd said anything like that. "Is fine Elsie."

"O… our what?"

"Our son is fine." He repeated. "Don't you feel him? Mummy just had a scare, and thank heaven she is fine too. I… I don't know what I'd do if she weren't fine."

Elsie's heart skipped a beat and she couldn't help but press her face into his chest when he uttered the phrase, 'our son.' He sighed sensing how deeply this touched her and leaned down to kiss her. While still unhappy about the baby, he'd almost lost his mind with worry when she'd passed out and was relieved to have her conscious in his arms. He leaned down, using her listlessness as his first opportunity in months to kiss her, wanting her to know that whatever might be going on, he was still in love and cared for her deeply. Elsie opened her mouth and titled her head, accepting the kiss.

"I love you, Elspie-peth." He said the nickname he'd come up for her not long after the wedding. "With all my heart. You gave me such a scare."

Elsie paused, feeling the baby turn inside, knowing he was all right. "W-what happened?"

Carson did not want to say; Clarkson had said it was stress and nothing more.

"You need to sit and relax a little more." He said helping her to sit up. "Stay off your feet, stop tending to the kitchen laundry Mrs. Carson. Now rest, I'll have Mrs. Patmore bring you supper and then I think we shall spend the night here."

"Charlie?" She said when he was at the door, her eyes still closed. Elsie knew what had really happened: she'd passed out from the stress.

"Hmmm?"

"Charlie. If I loose my baby, I'll never forgive you."


	3. When We're Not In Agreement

Ch 3 – When We're Not In Agreement

"Mrs. Hughes." Cora spoke kindly, stopping Elsie at the door.

The maid stopped; her heart in her throat at the lady's call. Elsie had been embarrassed around the family (save Isobel Crawley) ever since Charlie had shunned the babe she was expecting. All alone in this baby thing, something about her husband's actions made her feel like a wanton woman. She felt especially uncomfortable around Lady Mary, after-all Carson could do no wrong in her eyes. Just as she could hit him with a brick and he'd forgive her, he could reject his wife and unborn babe and Lady Mary would still think him a saint. It crushed Elsie to know that he'd never feel the same about the baby she carried, as he did about his precious Mary.

But then there was Lady Grantham, who'd been so generous to Elsie over the years. She'd offered to take care of her forever when they'd thought she was ill, she'd stood by her and insured she'd gotten the wedding she'd wanted (the only person who was willing to do so)… And ever since she'd become pregnant, Cora had tried her best to soothe Elsie: without much success. Today, however, the lady decided to reach out and make a promise.

"You'll never have to worry you know."

"I beg your pardon my lady?" Elsie asked.

"Mrs. Hughes I know you're worried about your baby."

"Y-yes m'lady I am." She admitted, swallowing hard.

The worry about this child was eating her alive and she had no idea it was weighing on her husband too: like a skyscraper on his chest.

"I just wanted you to know you don't have to worry ever. Should something happen to you, your little one will always have a home and be cared for, here at Downton."

"U… oh m'lady, that's very gracious of you."

Elsie could've cried: from the gratitude, the shame and the sheer weight the gracious offer took off of her. Her baby would be all right and have a home no matter what came of her. She paused, noting Cora hadn't said, 'should something happen to you _and_ Carson.'

"Oh m'lady… my'lady that's s-so gr-so gra…" Elsie bit her lip, trying to hold back tears, but was unable to keep from bursting put crying. "I'm so sorry m'la…"

"No, no Mrs. Hughes." Cora stood and shut the door, pulling her maid into a discreet hug.

Elsie was shocked by the impropriety of it all and stiffened at her employer's touch. The two had never been that close but had always admired each other. Cora felt so desperately bad for Elsie to the point where her plight made her ache inside. The idea of Cora's pity Elsie feel pathetic, she hated that everyone knew her private shame.

"Mrs. Hughes… Oh Mrs. Hughes: I promise you it'll be alright."

…..

Carson paused, his heart sinking from his place on the other side of the door. There was nothing more he hated than the sound of his wife's tears; they made him deeply sick to his stomach and broke his heart in two. He took a deep breath, feeling his chest tighten, placing his hand over his heart.

"Oh Lord, what do I do?"

Carson had become the villain over the past eight weeks since they'd learned of Elsie's pregnancy, but no one understood his true point of view. He didn't hate his little baby, far from it. He loved it too much to doom the child to a miserable life: one where it's parents couldn't keep up with it, where he was destined to be an orphan.

'Grandparents raise babies successfully, Mr. Carson.' His wife had charged weeks before.

Carson gulped at the memory, wondering how he should move forward. He tossed it around in his mind over and over again; _how_ could she have gotten pregnant? He was overwhelmed by the thought, even now and found that he became more amazed the bigger she grew and the baby with her.

'Why, you fool haven't you ever mentioned it to her?'

He was scared, and moreover, perplexed as to why such a lovely thing should happen to them when it by passed the Bates' so blatantly. He thought it wrong to bring a baby into the world at their age. He'd never thought it possible, but would have to confess the idea had crossed his mind before. The scandalous idea of making a child with Elsie had been something he'd thought of long before they were a couple. He'd loved her so much; even from a respectful distance and had been unable to help but think of how beautiful of a little girl they might make, with her mummy's auburn hair and his own eyes….

Carson took a deep breath; trying to reconcile the fact that it was really happening and ignore that that his chest was tightening again.

…

Elsie put her husband out of her mind and sat in the corner knitting happily, the blanket draping over her belly. She'd walked home from the abbey early before the storm hit and set water to boil for a soup she'd been craving. She smiled, the succulent smell of the dish engulfing her senses as it simmered lightly on the stove.

"Mummy's starving. How about you m'lad?" She asked, brushing her belly feeling the baby kick swiftly within. "That's going to be your blanket: when you're both all finished. Do you like it?"

Elsie took a deep breath, wincing at the child's jab. The kicks grew stronger by the day it seemed, and lately, Elsie was coming to the realization that the baby would be here sooner than she was ready for.

 _'How,'_ she thought _, 'am I really going to raise him all alone…'_

In just twelve short weeks it would be time and she was terrified, both of a labor she was afraid would kill her, and of having to fight hard to raise her baby with a man who didn't believe it had a place in the world.

"I hope mummy hasn't made the wrong decision by staying." She continued. "But if she has… she won't hesitate to do what's right for you."

"Elsie-peth!" She paused, hearing her husband call from the door.

Elsie stopped, watching him as he came into the room and headed to the stove without taking a glance at her. His arms were full and even from a safe distance she could detect a hint of joy in his gait she'd not seen in months, but she didn't dare let herself believe he could be coming around.

"Oh, it's soup I see that smells so nice." He began as he started to unpack the load of goods in his arms. "Mrs. Patmore asked me to bring you this bread, it wasn't ready yet when you…"

He stopped, his breath catching when he turned around to face her. He'd not seen much of her that day and was surprised at how the blanket she was knitting laid across her in such a way that it emphasized her newfound size. He stared back at her, a knowing in his eyes as they met her frightened, tear-stained ones.

"When you left." He finished, swallowing hard as she broke their gaze.

He'd known for a while now that his wife was thinking of leaving him. The two paused uncomfortably, unable to look at one another. She returned to her blanket and he turned to the care of the supper, beginning to hum gently to himself. The little tune, a lullaby, made the baby start to rock back and forth within her excitedly. She put her hand on her side, a single tear slipping down her cheek at the thought that this child loved his da. She closed her eyes, his gentle tune floating to her ears, irking her, provoking her.

"Why?" She asked calmly her eyes still closed.

"W-what?" He asked, turning back to her.

"Why?" She asked again, her eyes still closed. It was obvious to him now that she was seething with anger and she winced as she took a breath. He didn't answer. "Why on earth would you do this to me? Is this what you had in mind Mr. Carson?" She choked as she started to cry. She turned to him her eyes filled with tears and in an instant he knew she wanted answers this time or she'd be gone.

"Elsie, I…"

"It's not as if it takes one person to make a baby Mr. Carson. Where are you in this? Was laying with me not your choice, was it not something you insisted on?"

"Elsie if you'd not wished to…." He was hurt.

"Ha!"

It wasn't about that really. She'd _wished_ to be his wife in all the ways a wife was obligated…. But she'd also had concerns that weren't addressed. More than that, she'd been desperate. Trapped. She'd married Charlie out of love, but there'd also been the need to have someone to care for her, to provide for her in a way she hadn't been able to provide for herself. Charlie was the answer to a problem that scared her and a secret prayer on her heart… a full marriage was simply the price. A price she'd paid. And yet here she was, right where she started: aging, poor, alone…. Only now with a little mouth she couldn't hope to feed. It made her feel like a whore when she was a lady.

"How dare you make me feel like her…"

"Like who?"

"Like Ethel." She choked, staring straight back at him, fire in her eyes.

"That's unfair!"

"Is it?!" She stood. "You lure me into your bed, you leave me with this! You cloak me in shame."

"I married you first." He said pointedly. "Because I love you!" There was that tightening again.

"You've a funny way of showing it." She continued, not noticing his hands and how they trembled. "The idea was for us not to be alone anymore Charlie. Your idea as you said, was a marriage: a full marriage. A baby is the most of a full marriage! Why on earth would you not want that with me?" She asked, pouring her heart out, not noticing as he winced.

She closed her eyes and put her face in her hands, thinking on the thing that had been bothering her most: how could he not want a baby with her? It was a miracle.

Carson tried, but found himself unable to speak as she continued. It was time, he thought, to call a truce. To tell her the truth about how afraid he was and how he felt about this baby.

'I don't like it when we're not in agreement.' He wanted to remind her.

"I know you didn't sign up for this Mr. Carson. But I didn't sign up to be pregnant and abandoned at my age either!"

"Elsie…" He gasped in pain, clutching his side, but she was too caught up in her emotion to take note and instead continued to plea with him.

"It's a piece of you and me we were never supposed to have Mr. Carson. Who could want more when you claim to love me so?!" She burst out sobbing and with a thud he hit the ground.

"Charlie!" She shrieked, getting on the floor at his side. "Charlie no! No, no…" She continued to sob. Elsie cradled his head, his eyes heavy, his cheek pressed up against their unborn child. "Charlie no, no, don't leave me…. Don't leave me… I don't care if you love me, just don't leave me!" She held him close, not knowing what to do.

"Elsie… Elsie-peth…" He gasped.

"Please, Charlie your son and I love you and we need you so much! Oh Charlie it could never be a miracle without you."

Carson could faintly make out his desperate wife, pleading for his life, and cradling his head but all he could hear was the sound of his own heart banging: _**thud, thud thud!**_ And then. Darkness.

"Charlie!" She screamed.

Out of Elsie's sight a single rattle rolled out of the bag he'd dropped when he'd fallen, and hit the ice box, stopping with its inscription facing heavenward: _Love always, your silly da._


	4. The Mystery of Life

Ch 4- The Mystery of Life

' _She must know the mystery of life by now….'_

It was just months before that Beryl had been jealous of Elsie's fortune, of Mr. Carson's love for her, of their dream wedding. But mostly, of Elsie's finally learning the mystery of life before she did. The cook sniffled, feeling guilty about her wanton, covetous feelings. She longed to comfort her friend, but instead watched helplessly from across the hall feeling it best to keep at a distance. Elsie was grieving. Elsie was trying to process all she'd just been through. The housekeeper sat on a pew-like bench in the hospital hall, crying and clutching the rattle she'd found in her kitchen, her mind wandering off in its own little world….

 _Elsie moaned, clutching her husband's broad shoulders. She'd never experienced anything like it before: the tension, the build up: the great relief. It was like she'd never known in the whole of her life what it was to be loved or even be hole before this moment: before this union with him._

" _Elsie, my Elsie-peth." He whispered, as his breath grew increasingly shallow._

 _He leaned down, kissing her fully, but tenderly on the lips as she yelped into his mouth, sighing when she felt his song, soft hands brush tenderly up and down her sides, smooth as a…_

What was that?

 _Elsie's most pleasant memory, now a dream, of a very full marriage consummated was ruined just like that._

She remembered it now: how could she have not noticed? She'd been taken by the sensation, by the feeling of full marriage. That first night had electrified every inch of her: mind, body and soul, letting her know that her whole destiny had always been wrapped up in being one with Charlie Carson…. But in that wanderlust she hadn't noticed his hands and how they trembled as they held her. How they shook, even as the rest of his body so confidently took charge over hers.

Elsie closed her eyes, a single tear sliding down her cheek.

"Oh my lord!" She burst; not realizing her fingers lay over her almost pursed lips, ready for a kiss that had long since left her lips. At once the baby kicked swiftly, reminding its mother that she would not have to face the world alone or without a Carson by her side.

Hearing her sudden outburst, Beryl jumped to her feet, but stayed still just as the door opened. Elsie jumped to her feet just as Dr. Clarkson emerged, his brow furrowed. Beryl's heart sunk when he took her friend by the shoulder and calmly sat her down.

' _How,'_ Beryl thought _, 'will she manage alone with a babe…'_

"No!" Elsie started to cry again. "No…"

"No." Dr. Clarkson sighed. "Mrs. Carson, he's made it through."

"OH!" Elsie burst.

"I'm running some tests: I don't think it was a _true_ heart attack, just a case of angina but I'd like to keep him hear overnight for observation, and keep him at home for a few days… maybe even a week just be safe."

"Oh!" Elsie cried, unable to stop beaming. She didn't address Beryl, who ran off to the phone the family (who'd insisted on coming over but stayed home at Clarkson's insistence).

"You may see him now; but please, be very gentle with him. He's not up to snuff right now."

She nodded exuberantly but didn't say a word even though she tried. Elsie found herself overwhelmed with relief and unable to speak, her stunned, but thrilled state being something Clarkson wished he saw more of. Elsie paused, crushed by her husband's appearance when she walked through his tiny door. He lay in bed all alone, gaunt, grey and still.

"Charlie…" She whispered, rushing to his side. She sat on the tiny chair next to him and without a word took his hand, kissing it softly. "Charlie?" She whispered, taking his hand and brushing a bit of hair out of his ace. "I'm here. I'm here my love."

Just the words: _I'm here_ ate at the otherwise loyal man who hadn't been there for his wife in weeks.

He said nothing but stared back, his eyes dull, and full of longing.

"Mr. Carson you can always hold my hand if you need to feel steady."

Carson paused, squeezing her hand hard in return. "I love you." He mouthed.

She leaned her forehead down against his before taking his hand and placing it flat against her belly. She held it there, watching his eyes grow brighter as the baby kicked.

"He loves his da the most and he's so happy he's going to be okay!" Elsie almost cried.

Weak, Carson reached out as best he could to cup his wife's belly in hand, but couldn't stop it from trembling, practically taking on life of its own. Elsie stopped it quickly; keeping it pressed to the point on her side where the baby was kicking with what she _thought_ was a knee.

"Mr. Carson you can always hold my hand if you need to feel steady." She promised.

Carson sighed so deep he almost groaned, thinking about how he felt the moment at the beach when she'd first taken his hand in hers and led him out into the calm blue sea. He never thought in his wildest dreams that they'd end up here: married. In love. His child growing within her.

The child. His child.

The baby moved once more, the groove of her belly somehow easing itself directly into the palm of his hand. _Tears came to his eyes and suddenly he found himself back on that beach, two tiny hands in his own, the littlest feet nestled in the sand between his. He took a step further into the water, the child barely able to follow suit. Its tiny knees buckling under its own weight, he found himself unable to hold the small thing up and keep him from stumbling into the sea._

"Ah!" Carson jumped, Elsie's soothing hand on his chest the instant he emerged from his daydream.

"Oh m'love." She calmed, concerned, feeling that his heart was beating rapidly.

Tears sprung to her eyes, convinced that her love was in pain. That Doctor Clarkson was wrong.

"Elsie…" He moaned, beginning to cry.

Oh how he longed to tell her. That he could not do this: that he couldn't even keep their baby from drowning and teach him to walk… that he couldn't bear to let him down. 'How,' he thought, 'can I not even teach my own son to walk?'

Carson was of course on a strong dose of medication. It'd twisted his mind a little bit and the butler found himself thinking outlandish things… but nonetheless, they were still remincent of the fears he kept bottled deep inside.

'My wife and child how can I fail them?' He asked, looking up at the love of his life with the widest of eyes and the heaviest of hearts.

"Elsie…" He whispered.

"Shuuuu." She soothed, finally understanding how stressed he was, even though she knew not the reason. Whatever the case, her strong man needed her strength.

Devastated, he held her close as she climbed onto the side of the bed and cuddled up next to him, laying her head on his chest. She took a deep breath, pressing her palm to his heart, feeling it thud just a beat too fast.

"It's alright. You can hold my hand, then we'll both go in together." She whispered and he sighed, feeling the waves lap over his feet once again, his hand in hers.

Mrs. Carson lay her head to rest against her husband's heart, relaxing once she heard it calm.

"It could never have been a miracle without you Mr. Carson." She whispered as he held her tight and mustered the strength to give her a kiss.

Soon, the two drifted off, both profoundly more assured than they'd been in many weeks.

"Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Carson! You must come along!" Clarkson said, stopping immediately when he saw the Carson's sleeping there together, her head on his chest.

Like everyone else, he knew of the trouble in their marriage brought along by the controversial little one and was relieved at the sight of their newfound togetherness. Although it was against hospital rules, he decided against waking the Elsie and instead covered the expectant couple with a blanket and turned off the light.


	5. More Than Enough

Ch 5- More Than Enough

"It's just that I never thought… I never thought our making love could result in a child, Mrs. Hughes."

Carson drew a sharp breath, his unsteady frame wavering under his wife's gentle touch. She lie at his side, cuddled up to him as he rested in their bed. It'd been several days since his episode. Now he was at home, confined to bed, feeling uneasy about having his pregnant wife wait on him. She rested her head on his chest, soothed by the gentle beating of his heart and stared out the window at the falling snow.

"Go on." She urged.

The day had finally come when he'd promised to explain his feelings on fatherhood to her. She was nervous but ready to listen and he was simply terrified. Carson didn't know how he could convey, let alone even map out all the worries that'd been spinning around in his head ever since they'd discovered she was pregnant. There was so much she just didn't know… so much he'd thought he could hide forever.

He sighed, his shallow intake of breath giving her a moment of pause before she felt him take her hand and squeeze it. There would be no way to say it, any of it.

"Mrs. Hughes. I have loved thee, really, and truly loved thee since the very moment you walked in the door for the first time."

"Oh!" She said quietly, blushing deeply as he spoke.

"I used to think, when we were young, about how beautiful of a baby we would make together…" He confessed.

Elsie wanted to cry out when he said this but instead she bit her lip, tears streaming down her cheeks at the realization that he must love her tremendously.

"I-I used to think." He reached over and grazed her tear-covered cheek lovingly. "About our little girl with her mummy's smile, and our lad with his da's eyes…. I'd rather given up on all that long ago Mrs. Hughes. It'd been a dream that died with the vigor of youth… and with any hope of marrying you."

"But Charlie you did marry me. And I love you so tremendously, and…"

"And you've brought love and light to my heart."

"And clearly youth to your loins Mr. Carson." She teased.

He stopped cold when she said this and placed his forehead against hers. She looked up, searching his eyes when she realized the seriousness of his tone.

"Oh my Elsiepeth there are things you must know, things I didn't think would affect you for a long, long time my love…. But now that you're going to bear my child it is time."

Carson thought twice about doing it, but he didn't know how he could hide it much longer. Slowly he raised his hands, putting them up as if he were surrendering them and put them on display for her to see. She was puzzled at first and raised an eyebrow as she began to inspect them. She hadn't seen what was so different at very first, they were the mammoth hands she'd admired for years, the ones that poured her sherry, minded Downton with great care and held her close into the depth of night. But then as they began to shake, she remembered. How could she forget? She took one in her hand and kissing it, holding it tight.

"It's alright m'love. I know." She took the hand, holding it close to her heart. "I'm your wife and I love you. Please tell me what this is."

Frightened, Charlie took his other shaky hand and placed it against his wife's belly. He almost gasped, overwhelmed by the comparison he saw: the contrast between his inevitable aging and apparent virility. Here he was, slowly slipping out of this world, but yet he was still able to bring new life into it.

"The shake Granddad called it…" He bit his lip suppressing tears, his palm shaking uncontrollably.

"Please don't cry." She scooted closer to him and looked up into his downcast eyes. He stared back hurt, tears pooling in his eyes.

"I don't know how to confront it: how to think of it…. midnight feedings, nappies…"

"Mr. Carson it's not as if you'll be doing it alon…"

"Father's have a certain responsibility, Elsie. I'm afraid I won't be able to live up to mine. And I love our baby too much to let him down."

"You won't…" She tried to comfort, but his hands continued to shake.

"Granddad, he called it the shake. It's hereditary I suppose. He had it. My father had it. It finished the careers of them both. I won't be able to _provid_ e, Elsie."

She stopped and without a word leaned down and kissed his chest.

"Oh but you're here, Charlie. You love us, that's all that matters to me."

"Well it isn't to me. It's a father's duty to provide… and to comfort." A husband's too. "Suppose you were unable to nurse it, how would you feel then?" He challenged.

"Grateful that there's infant formula these days." She began and he scoffed. "And so happy that my wee one's relationship with her mother was about more than just the tit." He stopped, surprised at her frankness. "There are things other than money Mr. Carson."

"I…"

"Like having a wonderful, caring da who loves you… a da like I know you were made to be. Able or unable doesn't make a good mummy or daddy, its love Charlie, that's all it is."

He scrunched his eyes up and broke down crying at her words.

"Oh Elsie. You could never understand." He cupped her tummy in his now more slightly steady hands and continued. "The way you feel, the way you've felt all this time, carrying it, protecting it… that is what I must do, together with you once it comes out and I fear I cannot. I don't as you've thought all this time, not want our child. He is a true miracle."

"But…?" She asked, knowing this was finally going to be her answer.

"But." He began as she reached up to wipe his tears. "It's an awesome responsibility, much more so than running a big house, much more so than being entrusted with your happiness…" Carson paused, starting to cry audibly as he felt the baby kick her hard, it's strength so acute, so strong it was almost as if it'd been taken from him. Elsie squeezed his hand and kissed his nose as he took another second to gather himself. "It's not about me not loving him Mrs. Carson. For I couldn't say how much I love him!" Charlie was crying bitterly now. "You have no idea how much, how much I adore my blessing of a babe, and how much I fear the shake and dropping our little babe…. I keep seeing us as we were, on the beach with our little one. His bitty toes buried in the sand, and yet I haven't the strength to hold him there. Elsie I could never forgive myself if…"

"Oh Charlie." She soothed, both of their hands over her belly now. "Oh Charlie my love. Do you feel that right in the side there?" He nodded, feeling the child kick hard. "Mr. Carson, you're a team you and I and this is no different a matter. We made him together, you and me out of love and faith and waiting. And here he is: a miracle being knit together in his mother's barren, forgotten womb…" She paused, rubbing her nose against his, her eyes filled with tears. "Knit perfectly, from pieces of Charlie Carson, and Elsie Hughes. And that my Mr. Carson, is provision enough."

"Oh Els…" He started to cry, understanding her meaning.

"You've made us one forever and ever. Apart we are broken, but together we are one."

"Oh my Elsiepeth, my Elsiepeth that's enough, that's more than enough."

Still weak, Carson turned on his side as best as he could and began to kiss her deeply, the sensation filling the whole of their souls and reminding them that they were one.


	6. Late Middle Age

Ch 6- Late Middle Age

' _It's alright.' He soothed, kissing her neck as her corset slid off._

 _Elsie's heart quickened, an inevitable reaction following many month's long angst over this inevitable union. She would hate to appear ridiculous in his eyes, and despite his reassurance that he would love her, she only to appear ridiculous in his eyes. Elsie pulled away, cupping his cheek in her hand as he peered down lovingly into her eyes, careful not to look any lower._

 _He was filled, even powered by lust in the moment, but wanted to make sure she understood that she could never appear as anything but lovely in his eyes. He leaned down, kissing her deeply and after what seemed like a long time of waiting, took her breasts in his hands. She moaned into his mouth as he knead them softly, never having felt anything like this before. His warm, strong hands sent a delicate, but forceful stirring that fired off like a shock through her belly and nether regions like a cannon firing._

' _All of that.' She thought. 'Just with one touch…'_

 _Carson's heart started to pound and a feeling of disbelief came over him as she sighed lustfully into his lips. How, after all this time, could he finally be here with her? Holding her, touching her, kissing her… it was as good as a miracle._

" _Elsie, Elsie, Elsie." He whispered, his breath heavy on her ear._

 _He kissed her down her jaw and to her luscious juicy lips, his large hands lingering over her thin sides. They slid back up and she gasped as he again, cupped her breasts in his palms, brushing his thumbs gently over the sides as he kissed her. He stopped cold when he hit a rougher patch of skin, knowing instantly what it was and looked down._

 _Elsie blushed and closed her eyes. It wasn't how she wanted to be seen like that by her husband for the first time. She hadn't wanted to appear ridiculous as his wife, and more than that, she'd been desperate for him not to see her as ill or feeble. Carson was awestruck at the sight, for it seemed like such a long time of waiting, of longing._

" _Elsie." He paused, brushing the scar gently with his thumb, "Elsie, Elsie, Elsie…"_

 _She gulped, saying not a word as he leaned down and kissed the scar with the most gentle of kisses._

" _My precious Elsie, Elsie, Elsie." He uttered, kissing it twice more and placing his hand there once more as he went back to kissing her._

 _It hit them in an instant: how blessed they were for the time they would have. Had things been just a bit different, he might have lost her forever. Carson tilted his head, pressing his lips and tongue into hers more forcefully as she wrapped her arms around his and he lowered her onto the bed…._

...

Elsie sat in the middle of Downton's kitchen and balanced a cup of tea on the top of her blossoming belly, wondering how it was she'd gotten here in late middle age.

"Don't say _late!"_ Beryl exclaimed, watching as Elsie cupped her belly in hand.

The cook marveled over how things had changed in the last few days. It seemed as though one of the Carsons always had their hands atop her belly now, even in company (which was so unCarson-like), the two openly embracing the product of the full marriage they'd previously refused to discuss.

"Are you ready?" Carson asked, coming in the kitchen, his wife's coat in hand.

"Yes Charlie." She smiled.

Beryl thought she could see her friend's heart almost flip at the sight of her husband and watched closely as he helped her up, aiding her in slipping the coat on.

"Where are you going?" Beryl asked, raising an eyebrow as Carson buttoned Elsie's coat for her, his hands trailing up the length of her belly.

"The doctor." Elsie answered.

In truth, the couple was nervous. It was a joint appointment, one for the three of them: to access the condition of the pregnancy, the growth of the baby and the condition of Carson's heart.

"Just remember, he can't tell you everything." Beryl said. "Remember what I said earlier."

Elsie sighed. "That the wee one is a lass."

"I'd bet my pots and pans it's a lass!"

Elsie wasn't so sure. Her heart quickened as she took her husband's hand and they ventured out into the cold together.

"What was that about her saying it's a girl?" Carson asked, once they got outside, the idea piquing his interest.

Elsie sighed, clutching his hand as he squeezed hers. "It's an old wives tale that's all Charlie that's all."

He wondered what old wives tale she was following and planned on asking more specifics later.

"Well, do you think it a lass?" He asked very seriously.

"Oh I don't…."

"I'd like to know, do you think Dr. Clarkson…"

"He won't know any more than Mrs. Patmore. We're just going to have to wait till it's born, just like everyone else Mr. Carson." She giggled.

Carson looked down at his and his wife's joint hands, noting how afraid she was by the way he clung to her.

"It'll be alright, I promise." He whispered as they neared the clinic.

…..

Elsie had hated seeing the doctor ever since her cancer scare several years earlier, and now, after her husband's near heart attack she was terrified. She sat and watched, her mind numb as the Dr. Clarkson examined him. Her mind rushed and she could sense nothing save the baby's fierce kicks, which barely served to pull her out of her melancholy.

"Congratulations Carson. You're going to be just fine." She looked up when Clarkson spoke.

"So." Carson paused. "It _WASN'T_ a heart attack …. ?"

"Oh the contrary. Angina, stress: nothing more. Try your best to rest, and put your stresses out of your mind. I know that with a new baby coming the two of you must be very stressed…."

Clarkson patted the examining table, as Carson stepped off and buttoned his shirt, signaling to Elsie that it was her turn. She gulped and climbed up with Charlie's help, wishing she were anywhere else.

" _Stressed_ would be one word." Carson admitted.

"I know the two of you have plenty of concerns as is normal, but do your best to put them out of your mind. Only time will tell with some of these things there's really no need to worry."

Elsie took a deep breath, not wanting him to turn back to her. She never told Charlie, but every time she went, she was terrified there'd be another lump or that he'd find no little heartbeat thudding away within her.

"Mrs. Carson." He said. "How have you been feeling?"

"Um… a wee bit sick, a lot more cravings."

"Any pain?"

"Oh yes my back."

Carson narrowed his eyes; hurt she hadn't told him she was in pain. It wasn't really all that hurt, but it was all she was willing to share. Elsie took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for all the poking and prodding she hated so much. She lay back, feeling the baby kick hard, unaware of her angst.

"I cannot hear the heart… but I've no doubt that it's very strong." He promised, feeling the kick too.

Carson watched with intrigue as Clarkson went about his work, measuring the baby, listening to his wife's heart. "He's of a good size, and growing very well. I still see no signs of preeclampsia, or diabetes. All excellent work, Mrs. Carson." He commended. Elsie sighed with relief.

Given her age and the near mysterious nature of the pregnancy, he'd been very worried about these things and had put her on a special diet, something that had been difficult to adhere to given her husband's disinterest, Beryl's insistence that she should have sweets, and her busy work at Downton. Carson was relieved as well but dismayed when he discovered the doctor was not finished.

"I… what…" He whispered as Elsie tightened the grip on his hand.

He supposed it was logical. Babies, after all, were born just the one way, why wouldn't the doctor concern himself with that portion of his wife's anatomy in addition to things like growth, food and blood pressure. Nonetheless he stared for a moment, part of him angered, another embarrassed for Elsie.

"Hmm." Clarkson paused laying Elsie's knees to rest as he went to wash his hands.

"What?" She asked, alarmed as she sat up.

"Mrs. Carson you've done tremendously well in your very late and unexpected pregnancy. Up to this point."

Carson's heart started to beat uncontrollably… it couldn't be. Not now that they'd made amends, not now that he was all right and they were both happily expecting this child. He'd die. He'd just die…

"It seems that the opening of your womb has, well opened."

"No, no, no, no…" Elsie cried, shaking her head.

"What are you saying?" Carson could barely breathe.

"That the baby is getting ready to be born, and doing so a bit too quickly for our tastes." Clarkson explained.

"Will." Elsie swallowed. "Will she…"

Clarkson sighed, sitting back down with them.

"The baby has grown a lot in the past month." He reflected. "He's a fairly decent sized little fellow… I think you're about eight months, whereabouts."

"We've been wed for nine." Elsie offered, considering that she could be even that far along.

"The baby should be fine whenever he chooses to come." Clarkson tried to reassure. He wasn't even certain of that, he just didn't want to alarm them. "But I'd prefer he come later rather than sooner: it's safest."

"You don't think… you don't think it's too soon…" Carson could feel the shake come on strong.

"You're not in active labor, but the body is readying its self. I could put in a little stich, to seal things shut but at this stage it'd be very dangerous when your water breaks." This was why Anna could not carry a child, although none of them knew that yet. "What I'd like to do, Mrs. Carson, is put you on bed rest, at home. Getting you off your feet will give the baby a lot more time to grow."

"F-for how long?" Elsie asked.

"Four or five weeks. Until the baby is born."

…

Carson and Elsie clutched each other's hands, walking in somber silence as they made their way through the village.

"I'm so sorry Charlie." She whispered.

"For what my love?" He stopped her, realizing she was crying. "Elsie…"

"I've failed you."

"You've not failed me Elsie!"

"My broken old body can't carry him through."

Carson laughed. "Elsie I'm the one whose sorry. I've stressed my beautiful, pregnant wife by being afraid and letting my fears get the best of me. It is I who've put our little one in jeopardy and for that I am deeply, deeply, deeply remorseful."

Elsie was shocked when her husband got on his knees in the snow and pressed his face into her belly.

"Oh Elsiepeth, my Elsiepeth." He said. She looked down, caressing his face in her hands. "Elsiepeth it is my fault. Our baby's life or d…"

"Don't say that word." She cried. "Please…"

"Well it's in my hands, and whatever happens it's my fault. My Elsie is everything she's young, she's fertile. Her strong, beautiful body has nurtured my baby all of this time without any help from me… but that's over now."

Elsie yelped when Carson stood and swept her off her feet.

"Charlie!"

"It's a father's responsibility to love, a husband's duty to provide."

Elsie looked up at him wide-eyed. She felt so small and deeply treasured as he cradled her close, making his way through the now gently falling snow.

"Charlie, Charlie don't…"

"It's time for me to assume my responsibilities Elsie, no matter what they be now."

She looked up at him, feeling her heart sink into her belly at his words. It was unspoken now, just as it had been with Clarkson, but they both knew there was a good chance their precious little baby might not be all right.

"Charlie don't blame…"

But he did. Charlie took the news to heart, knowing deep down that this was all his fault.

"Charlie you can put me down now."

He squeezed her tightly, but lovingly, silencing her with just the way he touched her.

"We're getting on now, Mrs. Carson." He said, not looking down at her.

He held her tight, cradling her in his arms in just the way he longed to hold their babe. She felt her body relax at his touch, even as her mind raced.

"And I promise from now on, I'll always be there to hold you if you need to feel steady."


	7. The Lie In, Part 1

Ch 7- The Lie In, Part 1

 _"Make sure to call me right away if the pains start."_ Clarkson had warned before sending them home.

Several days had passed since Carson carried his wife back to their cottage in the snow and tucked her into bed. She'd been asleep by the time they got there and had woken to find herself perfectly pampered: nightgown on, feet up, and resting on a mound of fluffy pillows.

"Well it looks like your da's making up for lost time." She whispered as the baby kicked.

Elsie wasn't sure what time it was, or even what day. Her husband had been waiting on her hand and foot. She took advantage of the opportunity to be cared for in this way. She never had, even as a little lass. Elsie sighed and closed her eyes, lying back in bed, relishing the feeling of near perfect peace. It'd been many years since she'd felt so relaxed, if in fact she ever had.

She'd been up day after day for as long as she could remember and even on her days off, had rarely taken the time to sleep in and keep to herself. When she was sick she either kept working, or had Beryl there to talk her ear off. And of course there was her honeymoon, which was only a break if you called having a giant butler on top of you for five days a break (not that she'd minded that).

"Hmmmm that feels so nice." Elsie sighed, reflecting on how her back relaxed against their firm mattress, and how her baby seemed to do synchronized flips within her tummy.

She closed her eyes, letting her body fully rest, not noticing her husband watching her kindly from the doorway, his eyes heavy. He wished he could move mountains for her; guarantee her and the child a life of comfort. One that meant she'd never have to work again. It was something that had stressed him greatly when he'd first learned of her pregnancy. He couldn't stand knowing he didn't make enough (with having to provide for her sister now too) to give her that life. It angered him. It made him feel less of a man.

He watched, knowing he'd let her down, as Elsie sighed her eyes closed as she used two fingers to walk across her belly like a little person taking a stroll.

"Hello Mr. Carson." She said softly when she spotted him.

"Hello, Mrs. Hughes."

"Hello my love." She smiled up at him, staring dreamily as he stood there.

"I don't deserve that." He quipped, scrutinizing her loving gaze.

Guilt ripped through him as he stared down at her, tiny and helpless in bed and almost ready to deliver a babe too soon: because of him. While she'd had a good rest, he'd retreated into the darkest, most depressing recesses of his mind. It'd started on their journey home. He'd carried his pregnant wife through the snow, almost triumphantly, holding her close like the hard won prize she was. It was then that the guilt came rippling through him in a way he'd never experienced it.

Elsie fell asleep, relieved, after months of uncertainty, of being pregnant and abandoned, to be in her loving husband's arms, having been promised in the most heartfelt way that he would carry them both through the frightening days ahead.

 _'It's early.' He'd considered. 'It's early and all my fault. I've done the worst thing I could've done… I've forsaken her her blessing of a babe. The biggest blessing she could've ever given us…"_

"Come to bed Mr. Carson." She smiled.

He jumped, her sweet voice calling him out of his thoughts. He swallowed hard at her near flirtation, her warmth toward him making his increasing guilt almost crippling.

' _Don't_ , be so kind to me.' He wanted to say.

"Hmm…" He mumbled instead, approaching slowly, almost afraid of her.

It had been a few days since they'd gotten the news their baby would come early and while she refused to talk about it, it would not leave his mind. He didn't understand how she could be acting like she was so happy when he was guilt ridden and afraid for his child. He was worried that she'd not accepted or come to terms with the reality of what was happening. _This_. Was everything he'd been worried about from the start. And why he'd been so cold.

At the same time, he couldn't help but partake in the joy that exuded from her, and the glow that shown forth from the depths of her eyes and the curve of her smile and even the shine of her hair… she was radiant and so beautiful. So tragically beautiful.

"Come to bed dada to be." She teased, the term making him want to heave. "And feel your jumping baby bean."

Elsie loved the feeling of her baby moving so lively within her, the kicks and jabs and hiccups all a reminder that he was alive and that Mr. Carson loved her.

"Hmmm." Carson said, climbing onto bed at her side.

' _These.' He told himself. 'Might be your only happy times… with your child.'_

My child.

"What was Mrs. Patmore saying about our having a girl?" He would pretend for a while and act like everything was all right. He would be a daddy while he could to the baby girl he longed for.

"It's an old wives tale Charlie, is all." She laughed dismissively.

"Well do tell me about it."

Elsie sighed. "I don't put much stock in this…Mrs. Patmore bless her heart made me take two tests. The first was the key test."

"That seems appropriate." Carson laughed.

"If you pick the key up from the bottom it's a girl, from the top it's a boy and of course I picked it up from the middle."

"What's that mean?"

"Twins."

"Elsie you don't think…!"

The idea pulled Carson out of his gloom and suddenly he found he was rather excited. Two would be wonderful and moreover it would explain the early onset of the birthing process…

"No I rather think not Mr. Carson." She giggled and he wondered what would be so bad about having twins.

"W-what are you doing?" He asked nervously when she took off her wedding ring. Paranoia struck and his heart began to pound wildly, having known all this time that there was a very real possibly she might leave him.

"Here." She said, sensing his fear. She placed it in his hand and as he clasped it tightly in his palm, gave his hand a firm but loving squeeze. "Put it on a string." He stared back, confused. "What? I know you want to do it Charlie."

He said nothing and hurriedly put his wife's ring on a string, anxiously awaiting further instruction.

"Now. Hold it over my tummy." He did as requested eagerly, placing his free hand on her side. He sighed with relief when she put one of hers over it.

"What's it supposed to do?" He inquired.

"Nothing; just let it swing."

Carson was nervous; thinking his hands would inevitably shake and ruin the test. _This_ again is something he'd been worried about: and this test would just be further proof that he couldn't be a good father. Little did he realize, she found his eagerness adorable and moreover was comforted by it, understanding in that instant how much he really did want the babe. He began to shake a little but it didn't change the direction of the swing. She reached out and steadied his hands, holding them tight.

"What's it mean?" He asked, surprised at how succinctly the string moved.

"See how it's swinging from left to right?" She pointed out.

"Yes."

"It's a little baby boy." She squealed.

"It's a boy!" He longed for a girl… but a boy; a boy would be something else. Something extra special indeed.

Elsie laughed. "Two days ago that test said it was a little girl. It's anybody's guess Mr. Carson."

"But I… I want to know." He seemed upset.

"Oh Charlie." Elsie giggled, kissing his nose. "You'll know soon enough."

He gulped. That was right. He'd forgotten himself, he'd know … too soon.

"H-have you… have you any names yet, Mrs. Carson?" He asked. "I-I'd expect you'd want to…"

He'd been afraid to ask, figuring that she'd named the child on her own when she thought he was still unhappy with her for being pregnant. He was torn on the subject; thinking she deserved to name the baby she'd loved and carried all this time, but also feeling hurt that he might not get to help name his only child.

'It's something we should do together.' He thought.

"I would love to name my first baby, but…"

"Your _FIRST_ babe Mrs. Carson?" He raised an eyebrow and she smiled, hugging her growing frame tight. "Do you plan on anymore?"

Elsie bit her lip, smiling at him. He couldn't stand the adoration in her eyes in that moment, for it melted his heart and at once made him feel like a fraud and a failure as a husband.

"I would make a full career having Mr. Carson's babies. But, I'm beyond blessed to have just this one." She said. Tears welled in both their eyes as he leaned down, kissing her deeply.

"What a dependable little egg." He teased, whispering in her ear.

"Charlie Carson are you talking about my eggs? How forward." She giggled, rubbing her nose against his.

They'd certainly come along way from her old joke of her eggs being so impressed with him. In her mind, it was too good to be true.

"And it's not an egg anymore, Mr. Carson. It's a little baby boy. " She whispered, biting her lip again.

She couldn't hide that she was smitten with him and he looked down into her eyes, almost lustfully, wanting to say 'get away with you.'

"I wasn't so nice about them before but I have them to thank…" He said.

"And you said there was no knowing what it was."

"It's a boy." She promised, whispering, as he smiled deeply. He nuzzled her and suddenly there was a knock on the front door.

…

"I hope you don't mind." Cora said.

The unexpected party of visitors had left Elsie and her husband with tears unshed and words unspoken but she didn't mind at all because she was shocked beyond reason. Not only had she never really had a proper lie-in before, she'd never had a proper party. Not one just for her, and she was about to cry.

"M'lady, Mrs. Patmore… you all shouldn't have done this."

"We'd had it planned, it was no trouble to bring the party to you." Beryl added.

Almost all the ladies had come down from the house in a strange but orderly brigade to give Elsie a baby shower they'd planned weeks before. Present were Cora, Beryl, Daisy, Miss Baxter, Isobel, Lady Mary, Miss Sybbie (it was her first real party with the adults) and awkwardly: Anna.

Mary had not been keen on coming of course but did so for Carson's sake. She found the whole thing odd, that she should be on her second marriage, and that the man who'd been a second father to her her whole life was just then having his own child. But she supposed she had some commitment to him… and the child as well. Beryl, meanwhile was bursting with excitement over the baby and near tears of joy that made Carson sick. While they'd informed everyone of Elsie's need to stay in bed, they'd not shared the caveat that the baby might not live and so her enthusiasm was gut wrenching for them both.

Elsie though, was focused on the childless Anna. She held her baby bump close, cradling it in both arms as everyone chattered excitedly around her, fawning over her belly and all the new presents they'd brought (they were the first real baby things she had). But Elsie remained a firm eye contact with Anna who stared at her sadly, sitting at Mary's side. The much younger woman looked dejected, sullen perhaps even so upset she was ill. She was waiting sure, but how long had Elsie Hughes waited to become a mother? She felt bad, but displeased that she should hae such animosity toward her.

'She's begrudging me my babe…' Elsie thought, hugging the lump more protectively as Anna looked back at her, her eyes tearstained.

Elsie paused, wanting with everything in her to protect her unborn babe from everything that should pose a threat to it: early birth, her own very advanced maternal age (a concern they hadn't really discussed but which played on her mind), and finally: the malleolus, hateful vibe of anyone who should find themselves too curious about her curious condition. Anyone who should be jealous. Anyone who should begrudge her her babe.

That's sometimes how tragedy strikes: people who have no place, wishing will ill. Elsie jumped when the baby kicked hard within, signaling that for now, it was alive and well.

….

"Did you have a good time, my love?" Carson asked, building a fire in the hearth of their bedroom.

"I did." She said, her mouth full of candy.

"Elsie… we must discuss something."

"Hmmm?" She asked.

Elsie knew Anna wouldn't really _want_ to harm her, but inside she was riddled with paranoia that the younger woman's extreme jealousy might play out and end up hurting her babe. She was so worried she put it out of her mind forcibly and instead snacked on her chocolate and looked at her assortment of baby presents.

"Elsie… Elsiepeth." He sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed.

It was time now, to be real with her.

"Elsiepeth, my love you do know what the doctor said…" She froze, looking up from the chocolates slowly. "That it could come very early." She stared back and said nothing and he continued. "H-how are you so happy given…"

"I don't live in a sack!" She snapped.

He wondered where that came from and didn't realize how upset she really was. Like him she'd just been pretending to be all right. Frustrated she took a deep breath muttering to herself.

"I knew this would happen if people begrudged me my babe…"

"Oh it comes back to that, does it?" He asked, thinking of their own previous spat.

Elsie paused, realizing he thought they were fighting. She'd been referring to Anna, not to him, but his acknowledgement of the incident ignited a fireball of fear and anger within her she couldn't extinguish.

"She's begrudging me my babe and so did you! And it's causing this!"

"Elsie I don't think Anna…"

"The way you treat blessings has consequences Mr. Carson! I told you not to begrudge me my babe…! How could you!"

"Elsie, enough." He said calmly, her yelling causing his chest to squeeze.

"Yes, Mr. Carson to answer your question I quite know what's going on. I quite know what's probably going to happen. And yet you think I'm _happy_! I'm pushing it out because it's more than I can bear! I am more in love with this baby than I've ever been with anyone or anything and I know I'm going to loose him! I'm scared, I'm sick!" She sobbed, wiping the back of her tear-filled eyes with her hand.

His heart dropped and he longed to hold her but just listened.

"I just want to be her mum while I can, Charlie! Is that too much of me to ask now? When this is the only time I'll have with my along waited little one? No matter what happens I'm her mum right now while I can be Charlie." Elsie was holding her belly tight and blubbering, each little kick (the baby was also upset about the yelling).

"I just want to be her mother while I feel her living within me. While I know she still has a chance and isn't just a dream, meant to be taken! How would you fair, Mr. Carson, if you had to carry around a dying baby inside your belly? A dying baby you adored!"

Carson paused for a minute, her words nearly tearing out his heart. He said nothing but instead, suddenly lifted his sobbing wife into his strong arms, taking her into the hall.

"Mr. Carson what are you doing?! M- oh Mr. Carson!"

Elsie's heart soared and she quickly forgot some of her angst, her heart fluttering when she saw it.

"I hope you like it, mummy. I did it while you were sleeping." He whispered, his shaking hands holding her pregnant frame tight, keeping her from falling on the ground.

Elsie started to cry a new batch of tears. The nursery had been painted, the window replaced. And best of all, there was a brand new crib filled with warm linens.

"Oh Charlie…" She whispered, clutching his shirt. "Charlie it's beautiful!"

Her heart ached, torn in two. Half of her was so touched, the other hoped it weren't an omen; that he was doing too little too late with all of this.

"I promise." He whispered back and she cringed, wishing he wouldn't promise. It was too bittersweet. "That just as I will hold you when you need to feel steady, we will be his parents no matter what happens. We will hold our baby together and get him through whatever faces him and ensure he's where he needs to be."

Elsie paused, total heartbreak overwhelming her when he said this. _Where he needs to be_. He did not say; make sure he stayed with them. She buried her face in his chest and continued to sob.


	8. The Lie In, Part II

Ch 8- The Lie In, Part II

Two more tense weeks passed without incident, in which time their nerves eased a bit, but Elsie was growing increasingly miserable.

"How are you today my love?" Carson asked, taking a tray into their room.

Sleepy eyed, she tried her best to sit up but found she was having a hard time of it. He put down the tray and reached down to help her up, fluffing her pillows.

"There we are." He soothed, helping her sit. "And how is our babe today?"

" _Your_ baby has indigestion." She laughed.

"Mrs. Hughes why is the child always mine when it has tummy issues?" He raised an eyebrow and she giggled.

Although physically miserable, Elsie's mind was a little more at ease, for she'd grown tremendously since she'd been put on bed rest. She took his hand and placed it on her side.

"Feel the little quickening there?" She asked.

"Yes. Not a kick." He could tell by the way it felt and smiled tenderly at her.

"It's her hic-ups. Daddy's cooking is still a bit unsettling." She teased.

That was something he could, of course agree with. Her cooking wasn't Mrs. Patmore's (he would never tell her that) but his left so much more to be desired. Carson kissed his wife softly, leaning his forehead against hers. He couldn't believe the change that'd taken place in her: how much she glowed, how very much she'd grown. She didn't know it, but she made his heart swell three times wide and bursting at the rims with pride each time he looked at her.

"I'm so big and fat." She grumbled.

"No." He said, closing his eyes. "Your beautiful and having our baby."

"Oh get away with you!" She teased. "If I'm pretty the world's come to an end!"

He smiled, running his fingers through her hair. "Nothing's ever been as pretty to me as you right now."

He really meant it, but she supposed he was trying to make her feel better.

"Now." He said, getting down to business. "For breakfast."

He took the tray from his side and placed it over her knees. She smiled brightly when aside of the breakfast she saw a single red rose; in the middle of winter no less.

"We've eggs and toast and…" He stopped when he saw her just smiling at the rose, cradling it with her hand.

"It's so beautiful Mr. Carson." She never thought she'd have anyone to care for her in this way: to serve her breakfast, to make her pregnant, to bring her a rose.

"A rose for my rose. Anyhow I hope you enjoy your breakfast. I've got to get to the house. I hate to leave you; but I'll be home within the hour or so."

"Just one thing before you go. I really need to use the restroom and perhaps go for a bit of a walk." She said beginning to get out of bed. But he stopped her.

"I'm… not too comfortable with that. You need your…"

She sighed. "I'm as big as an elephant Mr. Carson. I'm in need of a stretch and aside from that: your baby is sleeping on my bladder, and yes it's your baby when it's sleeping on my bladder!"

"Elsie are you quite sure you won't go into… well into having it if you go for a walk?"

"No I won't. Doctor Clarkson is coming to see me today, you wouldn't want him to accompany me on my walk, would you?"

"Hmmm." Carson paused, tempted by the invitation. "I think I shall wait and see what he has to say about your walking and if he approves… we'll go but I will carry you home, Mrs. Carson."

"Charlie your back." She cautioned, secretly delighted by the suggestion.

"Get away with you mummy." He whispered, kissing her softly.

"I can't wait till somebody calls me mummy. Daddy." She whispered.

"Soon enough my little mummy to be."

She giggled as he leaned in to kiss her again, some old part of her marveling over the fact that she was here with Mr. Carson, pregnant with his baby and being so overly mushy. Surely those days, that possibility had passed her by long ago.

"Surely you're a dream." She whispered, rubbing her nose against his.

"No." He smiled. "I'm more real than you could ever imagine."

…..

"Hmmm? And she's quite alright then?" Carson asked uneasily.

"Mrs. Carson and the baby are quite fine. Still no signs of labor, or preeclampsia." Clarkson promised, putting away his stethoscope. Elsie sighed with relief. "The baby has grown very nicely. Anyhow, keep doing as you are and everything should be fine. The little one should be getting ready to be born sometime within the next several weeks."

"You think soon then?" Elsie asked.

"I think at least a few weeks away and I'd like it to wait a few weeks… but it could happen sooner. Anyhow; you're fine Mrs. Carson and you _may_ have that walk a day we discussed, it won't cause labor."

"See?" Elsie asked, turning to her husband. "Now that I'm fine Mr. Carson, will you PLEASE let me go and use the restroom before your baby totally destroys my bladder."

"Good lord man, let her get up." Clarkson was surprised he'd kept her in bed.

"I was just trying to make sure…"

"And after that we're going out!"

"In the snow? Really?" Carson asked, raising an eyebrow as he helped his wife out of bed.

Clarkson sighed as Elsie made her way down the stairs, leaving the two men alone in the bedroom together.

"Dr. Clarkson." Carson paused uneasily.

"Yes Carson."

"Do you think there's any…. Any chance she could be expecting twins?"

…

"Are you quite sure you don't wish for me to carry you Mrs. Carson?" Charlie asked uneasily as they made their way through the snow, his arm tight to hers.

"Charlie your back!" She cautioned, laughing off the request.

He was offended. The growing baby changed his opinion of himself. It threw off the shake, making him feel young, virile, strong and certainly capable of carrying his very expectant wife.

"I'll have you know there's nothing wrong with my back."

"There's nothing wrong with your back and I'm not too old to be pregnant."

"Well apparently you're not." He raised an eyebrow.

It'd been weeks since Elsie had gone out and it gave him a lot of perspective. He was amazed, at how adept she was in the snow considering how large she'd gotten. Caring for her at home everyday, he hadn't realized how big she actually was. Still she smiled as she walked, relieved to be out in the world again.

"It'll be any day now Mr. Carson." She said, catching him staring at her middle. "Do you think you're ready?"

Carson was nervous and paused, not wanting it to show. He'd only just gotten used to the child in this state and didn't think he was quite ready for it to be real, for it to be born and there with them.

"I think your being ready is the bigger question." He said again.

She smiled back up at him brightly; the look in her eye leaving no doubt that she was nothing but happy.

…..

Elsie was thrilled to spend the evening downstairs, knitting as her husband cooked. Even after so many presents and so much knitting there was still work to be done and she couldn't believe it.

"Aren't you done with that yet?" Carson asked, setting the table. Elsie was thrilled: she was going to get to eat at the table.

"No. It's what I want the babe wrapped in when she's born but…no I'm not done with it yet.

Elsie had made a great many things but was still working on one blanket she'd started months earlier.

"Well you'd better get it finished: the babe is almost finished." He chuckled, catching himself at the profound realization that the baby was almost ready to be born. "I-it's almost ready to be…"

"Don't be nervous!"

"Shouldn't you be?!" He burst suddenly and she paused.

"W-well of course I am. We could discuss our nerves together."

"I suppose…"

"Mr. Carson you don't have to be there."

"I'll be as near as you need me to be, and not an inch further away." He promised and she smiled deeply.

It was unconventional, but she wanted him there with her to see their babe into the world, to share the beauty of a full marriage wholly realized.

"Elsie I've a question." He paused.

"Hmmm?"

"What would you've said to me had you not sent Mrs. Patmore to be your agent that night?" He asked and she froze, almost gulping.

Even after months spent in a full marriage with him, and having had the intimate experience of carrying his baby inside her, Elsie still didn't know if she could tell him how she would've handled that conversation. It made her feel shy even when there were no secrets left between them.

"Now don't blush Elsie, I've had you warts and all."

"Mr. Carson." She blushed deeply.

"Who knew, in wanting you, warts and all that we'd come to share flesh and blood in one perfect babe."

"Oh Mr. Carson…. That sentiment is entirely lovely."

He'd of course, not been this way about the baby several months before. Elsie couldn't say how relieved she was that he'd begun to act like a proper, normal da in the weeks before their child's birth.

"So, how would you have addressed it Mrs. Hughes?"

Elsie paused, looking into his eyes wondering how she could possibly say what she'd been thinking … when she'd never say it now for a whole host of other reasons.

"I… I'd say I didn't think you should want me for anything more than a companion, and someone to take… what's so funny?" Elsie asked when he started to laugh.

"Oh Elsie you never understood."

"What?"

"I wanted you. The fullness of you, your lips, your curves, your bum."

"Charlie!"

"Your heart, your mind your soul… ever since we first met."

"Oh Charlie…"

That was a horribly long time. It made her want to apologize.

"But now I've all of you, happy in the fullest marriage. I can't believe you love me when I've loved you for so long."

"I love you so much Mr. Carson." She whispered as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Really, would you've said it Mrs. Carson, that you didn't wish to make love to me?"

Elsie gulped at the phrasing. "No. I suppose I'd have asked if that's what you intended? Let me ask, did you intend her as well?" She inquired pointing to her belly.

He laughed. "Good heavens no. It's just a nice blessing. I'd never have thought." Carson paused, wondering if he should confess his most secret feelings. "A-actually Elsie." He began and she tilted her head. "I used to think about it."

"About what?"

"Our child." He smiled. "And how…she'd have her mother's smile or his mum's eyes. How she'd run into my arms at the end of the day I… I thought about it, ached over it for years until one day we grew too old." He bit his lip. "And I knew I couldn't deny myself you any longer, if you let me have you."

"Oh Mr. Carson." Elsie's heart ached thinking this would've been the saddest of stories if she weren't pregnant.

"But then, against all hope or even sane judgment here we are and I'm so over the moon my Elsie to be with you and having a baby. I'm so sorry I spent so long lamenting my age, worrying about my abilities and not supporting you."

"It's alright Mr. Carson: I'm scared too. Like I told you before, I'm the one who's going to be having the baby."

Carson smiled halfheartedly, pressing his hand into her belly. "My Mrs. Carson, I know it's frightening. But I promise you'll be alright and I won't leave your side no matter what."

"Baby's so big now." She reflected. "And we don't even have any names." They'd talked around actual names. "And what about the bed and breakfast?"

"What about it?" He laughed, the idea seeming far off to him now.

"Well we can't raise a child in…"

He sighed. "Rather like the Bates' thought, he can help us and if something should happen to us we'll have a nice business to leave to her or him."

"That…. That puts a lot of my fears to rest, Mr. Carson."

"And mine. Now it's time for supper, and a lengthy debate over baby Carson's name."


	9. We've Finally Got It All, Part I

Ch 9- We've Finally Got It All, Part I

"Do we have everything?" Carson asked.

Elsie smiled watching her husband from her place sitting in the rocking chair. She couldn't believe how attentive he'd become as of late, his concern for her and the babe a complete reversal of where they'd been just weeks prior. Another week had passed with no incident. Elsie was bigger now than ever and more uncomfortable too. Dr. Clarkson had come and gone several more times in the past few days, confirming that Elsie should deliver her babe soon. Since then, Carson had become even more attentive to his miserable wife and wouldn't allow her to lift a finger, something that was secretly driving her crazy.

'I can live a little Mr. Carson. I'm not an invalid.' She'd told him more times than she could count but it'd done no good.

"Lets see; we've got lots of nappies, blankets, rags, various powders?" He raised an eyebrow.

"So the babe won't get nappy rashes, Mr. Carson." She giggled, cradling her middle.

"Oh…" He understood. "Toys and lots of tiny little clothes." He laughed, holding up one tiny shirt. "Whose this for?"

"Our baby." She laughed. 'Silly man.' She thought.

"H-he's that small then?" Carson was nervous all of a sudden.

"He's supposed to be." She was amused.

It wasn't as if he'd never seen a little baby before. It chilled Elsie to think that several years earlier, they'd held Miss Sybbie together the first time they met her. Both mired in unrequited love, both sure that _this_ time of life had passed them by.

"Oh Mr. Carson. I think we've finally got it all."

"At that we have." He smiled, understanding her double meaning.

"All except for the babe. Oooh!" She cried.

"Elsie!"

"It's just kicking." She cautioned, putting her hand up to stop him. "Ooooh."

"What seems to be the problem, hmmm?" Carson laughed.

He cupped his shaky hands over her tummy, feeling his strong little baby jab at him hard, almost like a fighter. He smiled deeply, the strength of his babe making him feel so strong when he felt so weak himself.

"I shall miss this Mrs. Carson."

"So shall I. Very much. But we're going to have a sweet, strong, beautiful little baby." Elsie said, tears of pride gushing from her eyes.

"Who I can't wait to meet."

Carson put his hand behind his wife's head, bringing her close and kissing her on the temple.

…

Unbeknownst to her husband, Elsie got up as soon as he went outside.

"You're hungry aren't you m'love?" She asked the child as it kicked.

Elsie was feeling better and wanted to make her husband dinner at least once more prior to the baby's arrival. She'd walked around a little in the past week, but found it difficult to make her way down the stairs. She almost fell once, catching herself by clinging to the railing.

"We're alright. We're alright." She soothed, feeling the baby kick hard at the sensation that they were falling. "Oooh maybe this wasn't a good idea. One more step! OUCH!" She yelped. This time she tumbled, landing flat on her backside, the wind knocked out of her.

"OOOOOH!" She cried out, searing pain running through her lower back.

She took a deep breath and within a moment, it subsided and she was left only with the complaint of her little one who kicked hard with both feet this time.

"Now, we're alright m'love. Mum promises." She placed her hands on top of her tummy where the baby's feet were now, blowing a kiss. "But she does hope she didn't hit your wee head!"

She closed her eyes and took another breath, feeling that they were both all right. She grabbed the railing and with a great level of effort, pulled her now clumsy, rotund self to her feet and crossed to the kitchen to start making their supper.

"What would you like?" She asked the child, caressing her side with one hand and her now aching back with the other. "I'm not sure what your da has in the house… but I know what I'm craving…"

"Elsie! Elsie Hughes Carson! What happened here?"

"Hmmm?" She asked, biting into a piece of candy she'd found. "What happened where?"

"You were on the stairs!"

"Oh yes. I fell."

"You fell?!"

"Twice."

"Elsie!"

"The babe and I are fine. I was just about to start dinner."

Carson was enraged. How was she to know they were fine!?

"No wife of mine, Mrs. Hughes, will find herself in the kitchens slaving over a hot stove for me when she's about to have a baby!"

Elsie smiled, finding the sentiment sweet. It was certainly a far cry from the way he'd been during their first few months of marriage where he'd demanded a certain caliber of dish she wasn't used to providing, compared her cooking to Mrs. Patmore's (and that of the mother-in-law she'd never meet) … His words melted her heart, especially since he'd continued that previous pattern throughout the bulk of her morning sickness.

"Mr. Carson I felt up to it and thought it'd be a nice surprise for you."

"Well I thank you, but you."

"OOH!" She yelped as he picked her up. "Charlie your back!"

"You." He said. "Are going to sit here, on the sofa while I make you supper."

"But Charlie…"

"And then _I_ will carry you upstairs."

"But Charlie…"

"No buts, just relax; and I'll be here to rub your feet."

He sat Elsie in the chair and she quickly grew drowsy, watching the snow cover the ground outside. It didn't take too long for Elsie to fall asleep. Carson put a blanket over her and kissed her sweetly, leaving her to nap as he went about his work. First he brought the firewood inside, his shaky hands almost dropping the whole stack. Carson tucked it all away, hanging up his coat and scarf, noting that it was really coming down fast. As his wife slept he went about his work, making their supper and building a fire in their room upstairs instead of in the downstairs fireplace. He planned on feeding her and tucking her quickly into the warmth of their bed.

He watched her as he cooked, noting she slept like a baby and wondered if the child within her did too. He'd noticed her wince in her sleep a few times and thought that maybe the baby was up to its usual tricks: kicking its mother so hard that he could feel it when barely touching her. So hard that it woke him up from deep sleep, angering him. How stressful must that be? How painful for his dear, little wife when the child had grown so big and its kicks so hard.

'How could I have?' He thought, slicing some vegetables as he watched her nap. 'She's so beautiful, and she's been the love of your life all this time. And she's having your baby. How special is it that she's having your baby… and yet you treated her like trash you… excuse for a man.' The idea brought tears to his eyes.

"Ow." He winced, his shaky hand causing him to graze himself with the knife.

He grabbed a kitchen towel and wrapped it tightly around his hand, stopping the little bit of bleeding that had started.

"OOOHHH!" Elsie cried out, wincing and turning over in the chair as a deep pain jolted her awake.

"Elsie!" He cried, rushing to her side.

"Ohhh." She winced, sitting up, grabbing the sides of the chair.

"Elsie, is it…"

Elsie moaned deeply as she sat up, the pain inside and deep within her back, shooting through her. She reached out to grab his free hand and squeezed it tight.

"I… just a kick, Charlie." She laughed when the pain subsided.

"Good." He said, although still skeptical. But what was he to say if she said she was fine? "Dinner is ready."

"Charlie your hand…"

"It's a scrape." He smiled.

He took her hand and helped her sit down at the table. Elsie took a deep breath when he looked away, placing both of her hands over her belly. She wasn't sure what, but something didn't feel right. This wasn't kicking.

"Are you tired my love?" He asked, putting their dinner on the table.

"Bubble and squeak!" She cried, not answering him. "Baby loves it almost as much as I do!"

"Which is why I made it. It's mummy's favorite." He teased and she smiled deeply.

Elsie's heart started to race, feeling a tightening in her back come on that _squeezed, squeezed, squeezed_ as it wrapped up around her middle. She winced as they started to eat, taking a few bites and trying to hide her discomfort from him. He was _SO_ attentive that she didn't want to alarm him, not till she knew for sure what was going on.

Elsie sighed when finally the pain subsided, thinking maybe it had something to do with her back after all, that she'd really hurt herself coming down the stairs… that she'd fallen asleep funny.

"OOOOOH!" She cried out again, this time causing her startled husband to drop his fork, his hands shaking. "OOOOOOH, OH CHARLIE!"

"Elsie is it…"

"Mmmmm." She said, closing her eyes as they filled with tears. She'd been doubtful a moment before but knew now for sure.

"El-Elsie is, is the baby c-comign r-right now?!"

"Arrrrrruuuugh, ouch! Y-yes I think so. I think it…. oh Charlie." She said, looking down. "Oh Charlie I'm bleeding!"

"Y-y-you're bleeding?!"

"Uh-huh." She nodded quickly, terrified now that something was really wrong. "Ghhh-ahhhhhhh!"

"I-I've got… I must… you, upstairs first, that's right."

Charlie lifted her into his shaky arms, quickly making his way up the stairs, doing his best to be strong, to keep his hands steady and deliver her safely to their bed.

"Warm blankets, and soft pillows and…"

"Charlie, Charlie what, what if it's not really coming, what if something's happening because I fell!?" She asked, continuing to cry.

Carson said nothing for a moment, the idea guilting him tremendously. What if she was right and their precious baby was in jeopardy because he'd not been there to safely whisk her down the stairs? What if it was because he'd been unsupportive, almost downright abusive for months? Carson gulped, deciding then to remain strong and calm. He knew he needed to be her rock. That was his job now.

"N-no my love. You'll be fine. You'll be fine." He promised.

Elsie was numb and started shaking as her husband helped her with her nightgown. What if this, whatever it was had come as a result of her falling? She thought it the real deal but it seemed a bit too coincidental to her. What if her exuberance had really hurt her little baby? Elsie didn't think she could live with that.

"OH!" She cried out in sudden surprise.

"What?!" He asked quickly, his attention turned to the floor where her feet were now soaked. He looked up at her, confused for a moment.

"Charlie, my water broke…"

"A-and that means it's coming for real?"

She nodded quickly as the pain started again. The announcement comforted her and put him more on edge. He quickly helped her into bed, his own head spinning.

"Now I must… I must get hot water then fetch Dr. Clarkson, no I'll fetch Dr. Clarkson and then…"

"Charlie."

"Yes, that's right doctor first. Elsie are you alright on your own while I…."

"Charlie look outside it's too late." She voiced sadly, his heart dropping when she said it.

"W-what?" He was panicked now, what could she mean _too late_?

"It's too late Charlie, the snow…" She said sadly.

His heart plummeted as he looked back at her, his eyes sad, defeat written all over his face. His wife, at her age, giving birth alone at home with no one to attend her… but him: an old invalid with shaky hands. Carson gulped trying not to cry at the realization that his ill timing had doomed his wife and child. It, of course was not his fault. But that didn't mean he wouldn't guilt himself forever. After all, he was the one who'd complained, and mistreated her about the babe…

"Come my Charlie…" She said, reaching out to take his hand. "Please love, just sit with me…"

Carson thought his heart almost stopped for a moment. Something about her voice smacked of surrender and he wondered if she weren't giving up, reconciling herself to his greatest fear: that she and the babe wouldn't make it through the night. Carson came over and sat with her, taking both his hands she squeezed them tightly, placing them over her belly protectively as the next pain came on.

'I've let you down…' He wanted to say. 'I-I've been nothing but horrible…'

But he couldn't let that happen. Not again.

"We'll get through this." He promised uneasily, looking into her frightened eyes as she took a deep breath. "We'll get you both through this, my love."

And he would: whatever it took.

…

"Ok, now breathe, just breathe my lovely I've got you, I've got you and we've got the pain."

Lamaze hadn't been invented yet, nor would Carson have known about it if it had, but they'd quickly figured out that breathing eased Elsie's pain a bit.

"OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 _'Hold me Charlie.' She'd said. 'It's all I want is for you to hold me Charlie while I have our babe.'_

And hold her he did. So far, he'd been holding her for over an hour, easing her, steadying her during the worst of it. She sat, reclining between his legs, resting her head against his shoulder as she panted and cried.

"It's alright lovely, you're doing beautiful, just beautiful." He whispered, his giant hands on each of her knees.

"C-Charlie some-something's not right this hurts so much!"

The couple was alarmed that the pain was concentrated primarily in her back, but were growing less afraid as time drew on, realizing that she was in some semblance, all right. It didn't, however, change the fact that the pain was extraordinary.

He rubbed her back as she labored, screaming and crying as another contraction slammed her body. Carson felt horrible as she cried, wishing he had something to give to her to dull the pain.

"It's alright, it's alright just a little more your almost through…."

Carson knew next to nothing about having a baby, save what she and Clarkson had told him, but by now he'd gathered that these contractions were a timing thing and that each only lasted so long.

"C-Charlie." She said, collapsing in his arms.

He said nothing more and took a washcloth and dunked it in a basin at their side filled with cold water before placing it on her sweat-covered forehead.

"Charlie I think the babe is angled toward my back."

"WHAT?!"

"It's back labor… do you remember what Dr. Clarkson said about that?"

"Oh…yes."

Carson had found the whole matter of back labor very unpleasant when Dr. Clarkson had explained it to them weeks earlier. At the time, he'd thought it a very real possibility, given Elsie's small stature and the baby's positioning within her.

Elsie closed her eyes and took a great big breath in, then out.

"Oh… here comes another one…"

"Already…"

"Oooooh…oooooooh." She cried, clutching his knee and backing up into him as though she could somehow escape the pain.

"No, no my love it's alright, we're alright." He soothed as she started to sob. And placed her face on his shoulder. "There my lovely dear, you're alright. You're alright I've got you I promise."

"Oh Mr. Carson. Do you think baby's as scared in there as mummy is?" She sniffled.

Carson looked down at his lovely wife. Even with an anguished grimace and sweat covering her hair and face she was still the most gorgeous woman he'd ever laid eyes on.

"Oh my Mrs. Carson. Daddy's scared too." He said, taking her hand and squeezing it tightly as he placed his other hand on her belly. "But it will all be alright and until it is, we'll all be terrified. As a family."


	10. A Full Marriage

Ch 10- A Full Marriage

"Urrrrrrggggghhhh! Oooooohhhh!" Elsie cried, hugging her husband tightly as she screamed. "Ooooh! Owwww!"

Carson was worried sick and wished he'd have gone for the doctor despite the risks. He'd never attended a birth but knew it wasn't supposed to be like this. Elsie was in horrible pain and had turned over onto her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck. At this point the only thing that felt any better was getting some of the pressure off of her back. And yet even that didn't do much.

"I would've never intended to do this to you my lovely bride." He said sadly.

The contraction ended and she turned back around, lying between his legs where she'd been for most of the labor.

"Oh my Mr. Carson… you couldn't have known it would come to this." She said, totally out of breath. Her lips were parched and he grabbed a glass of water off the bedside table and helped her to drink.

Elsie couldn't have ever believed the things he'd done for her that evening as she lay in agony having his baby. It'd been almost a year now since she'd retired to her room, nervously contemplating the effects of a full marriage, Mrs. Patmore at her heals. She'd knew it would lead to some discomfort and some joy… she never imagined it would lead to this.

She clutched his hands and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as he started rubbing her lower back again.

'STOP IT!' She wanted to yell.

She grew tenser as the labor progressed, and it was getting to the point where she did not want to be touched. Instead she clutched his hand, squeezing her eyes shut as yet another contraction hit. They were so close together now she almost didn't have time to catch her breath.

"UUURRRRRG…." She screamed, squeezing his hands so tight they'd have probably broken if they were any smaller. "Ooooh." She groaned, laying her head back when it finished.

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes as he placed a fresh washcloth on her forehead.

"You're doing wonderfully my love." He said, cradling her.

"Hmmmm."

Elsie was exhausted and in so very much pain. She lay still, trying to get as much rest as she could between contractions,

"You're so beautiful my Elspeth." He whispered, running his giant hands through her sweat soaked hair.

He was surprised to see her smile down into his eyes and found himself more taken with her in that moment than he ever had been. Somehow, she'd never looked more beautiful to him in that moment, lying there, exhausted, giving birth to his baby than he ever had in over twenty years of having known each other.

"I love you." She whispered, her eyes sparkling.

His heart skipped a beat. She loved him. He was putting her through such pain and she loved him.

"OOOOOOOHH OH my lord!" She cried suddenly, sitting up and squeezing his knees.

"Elsie…"

He continued rubbing her lower back which caused her to scream aloud in anger rather than pain. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Elsie I…"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She said, her breathing growing heavier. "URRRRRGGG!"

Carson was astounded, not really knowing what to think. One minute she loved him, the next she didn't want to be touched. Should he get up? Before he could say anything else, Elsie collapsed in his arms again panting and crying.

"Elsie… would you like for me to get up?"

"No. No… no please just hold me. Hold me." She started sobbing again, noting her emotions were yo-yo-ing back and forth wildly.

"I thought you didn't want me to touch you."

Elsie didn't reply, instead she just continued crying. Carson was worried. The contractions were almost continuous and her behavior was starting to fall in the category of madness… in the back of his mind he worried she was either loosing it or that something awful was wrong. Something he didn't fully understand…

'Don't think that way!' He warned himself to not even finish the thought.

It hit him suddenly. Something in her behavior matched what had happened to Lady Sybil. Dr. Clarkson had been expressly worried about that: preeclampsia.

Carson gulped at the realization, knowing he couldn't go on without her for anything. Not when they'd just found happiness together, not when everything bad about this pregnancy was his fault. Knowing he had work to do, he shut it out of his mind and started praying with his heart.

"Elsie. Elsie love, I think it's time for me to check you."

"Check me?" She asked as he got up, laying her against the pillows.

"For a head." He reminded and she started to cry again. "Elsie my darling, it'll be alright. It'll be alright." He promised himself.

"You don't even know what you're looking for!" She cried.

Carson might object to that. He'd seen the doctor look to measure the baby's progress more times than he cared to admit and thought that perhaps he had some level of understanding now. But Elsie was terrified, how was he supposed to know when it was time? When it was safe for her to push. She was less afraid for herself and more terrified that a misjudgment would hurt the babe. In addition to that, she was embarrassed for him to see her this way. That'd been the issue in the beginning… the reason she'd not wanted a full marriage. How could he ever find her attractive after _this_?

Elsie closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as another contraction hit and the pressure increased.

"Ooooh." She clutched the bedding under her.

Carson was scared but captivated by what he saw and moreover unsure of what to tell his wife. It was time. Instead of saying anything he took her hand.

"Elsie you should feel this." He laughed and took her fingers, brushing them atop of the baby's head.

"Is that…?" Her heart began to pound.

Carson was awestruck to be touching his living babe when it was still inside his wife. It'd been years and years since he'd touched his flesh and blood, someone of his own kin and the feeling took his breath away. Moreover, to share flesh and blood with his Elsie… it was such a powerful thing. He couldn't believe his child could be there, so strong when he felt himself so weak, so old and so afraid.

"It's her head." He said.

"Ooooh." Her eyes welled with fresh tears, the notion giving her some reassurance.

"It's our baby's head. Elsie… I told you, you were doing a good job my love, now I think it's time to push. Do you think you're ready?"

Elsie paused, the gut-wrenching pain slamming her insides in that moment leaving her no room to say no. She nodded quickly, the pressure increasing again.

"Yes but…" She bit her lip, trying not to scream. "Hold me!"

"I can't… but I've got to be here to catch the babe…I want you to be brave and push for me, alright?"

She closed her eyes and screamed as she pushed, the sensation hurting so much she couldn't bare it. Carson found himself surprised when nothing happened.

"Push down. Push down, that's my girl. That's my girl. Keep going."

Elsie steadied herself against her legs, the sensation of pushing practically knocking the wind out of her.

"Please. Please I need you holding me Mr. Carson!"

"Elsie I have to catch the babe." He said, their baby's head easing a little bit more out of her.

He wanted to laugh and let her know that the babe had a little tuft of brown hair much like he had once had, but said nothing, just looking at it in awe.

'Oh my lord it looks like me…' The thought took his breath away. 'I didn't want it, I turned it away and our babe looks like me…'

"Keep going my sweetheart, keep going…"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh….."

"Keep pushing, keep pushing, down, down, down…"

Carson was troubled when after several minutes, his wife's pain intensified and the baby's head seemed to get stuck.

"What's happening?" She cried. "Why's she stuck something's wrong."

Carson's head spun. He knew enough to know that sometimes this part of having a baby took a while. Suddenly, his surroundings caught up with him and he found himself in shock that here he was, between Mrs. Hughes' legs helping her give birth. He could barely fathom it for a moment until she let out another scream.

"Get this babe out of me, please! Please! I don't want to die, please!"

Carson froze, saying nothing. He had no earthly idea what to do and so instead of just sitting there he bolted from the room.

"Whe… CHARLIE!" She cried.

Carson came back just a couple of minutes later with linens… and kitchen tongs. Elsie breathed deeply, propping herself up on her hands and sitting up, eyeing the tool he'd brought back.

"If you stick those inside of me I'm going to kill you!" She glared at him.

"Elsie if the head doesn't move I'll have to do _something_!"

After a few minutes, Carson got back behind his wife and held her as she pushed. Together they tried everything, terrified that their baby was being damaged by the compromised position it was in, of just having its little forehead out. Finally Elsie couldn't take it anymore and gave up, laying her head back against her husband's shoulder. He held her tightly, the two exchanging few words as she pushed and cried, too exhausted for much more of this.

"E-Elsie, it's working!" He cried finally.

A half hour had passed and somehow the baby's head had come un-wedged (from what would turn out to be her pelvic bone).

"Come on love, come on, do it you can do it we're almost done. We're almost done and then you'll be alright." He urged, forcing her to push. "Push harder, harder Elsie…"

"UUUUrrrRGgghhhh!"

Carson was captivated as he watched his child finally come into the world. If he wanted to be realistic, he'd waited and dreamed many life times of this moment and watched in awe even as his suffering wife refused to open her eyes.

She clutched his knees and screamed, her heart filled with relief as the baby finally started to inch out little by little. Carson started to cry as the babe slid out of her belly and face first into his outstretched hands. His heart thudded, everything going in slow motion as the babe nestled further into his outstretched hands. Within just a few moments his exhausted wife collapsed into his arms and the baby, now nestled safely and fully in his mammoth hands, started crying.

"OH. Oh my Mrs. Carson!" He cried, tears in his eyes as the baby sobbed.

She laid against him, grateful to be alive and even more satisfied to hear the strong, healthy cries of her new baby. _New baby_. How could she have a new baby?!

"We have a wonderful baby boy, Elsie." He gulped, swallowing his tears.

"Oooh!" Elsie's heart melted the instant she opened her eyes and saw her newborn babe for the first time.

Carson quickly took the baby and nestled him into his wife's weak but eager arms, then wrapping his own arms around them both. Elsie had no words, but simply stared down and sobbed for a moment. Carson was worried, having known she'd been somewhat partial to the idea of a girl as was he.

"He's so beautiful. And he looks so much like his daddy!" She sobbed, looking up at him.

"He's perfect." He cried, unable to hold back his tears as he stared down at his wife and newborn baby son.

Although the cord had yet to be cut, Carson pulled aside his wife's gown so she could nurse for the first time. He'd been skeptical about her wanting to do this, and was surprised as the babe quieted, fussing against his mother's breast and beginning to suckle soundly.

Elsie gave her baby her finger, surprised when he squeezed it tight while feeding. "Hello my sweet little lad. I'm your mummy." She cried, cradling him as close as she could, unable to believe this was anything but a dream.

"And I'm your daddy. A son… A beautiful baby son. He's so beautiful my love and the child I've dreamed of since the moment I first looked into your eyes." He said, his eyes brimming with tears, her heart melting.

"I always thought Mr. Carson should have a son." She confessed, continuing to cry. "I just never thought I'd be the one to bring him into the world!"

"Oh Elsie." He lay his forehead against hers, realizing they'd long shared an unspoken dream.

"How can he be ours?"

"Because I love you so tremendously my Mrs. Carson." He said, leaning down and kissing her deeply.

They'd of course considered all the… aspects… of a full marriage, knowing it gave them a moment of pause, that it would be a harbinger of new, frightening things, a barer of joy… but neither had ever thought that it would come to this.


	11. A Full Life

Ch 11- A Full Life

"Hello my beautiful little baby." Elsie whispered, her Scottish accent thick as she whispered to her newborn baby son.

Almost an hour had passed since the baby's birth and Elsie lay in the dark, save the glow from the fire, playing with her newborn's bitty fingers. She watched in amazement as he wiggled and stretched them in his sleep, squinting and making the tiniest fussing noises. The unnamed babe lay beside his mother in her bed, his tiny eyes shut tightly as she ran her fingers through his little patches of brown hair. She laughed to herself. She remembered Mr. Carson's brown hair, hair she'd fallen in love with many years before. It'd been so long since she'd seen it. She'd never dreamed she'd see it again… especially not on the head of their newborn son.

"You look so much like your da my beautiful baby lad." She bit her lip, tears pooling in her eyes.

Elsie was exhausted and every inch of her ached deeply. She lay next to her baby son, whispering to him as though she were telling him a secret. She was too weak to hold him close and he too was tired and bruised from the birth. Elsie gasped, her breath almost seeming to leave her body when the baby opened his eyes a bit at the sound of her voice, looking up at her as best as he could, his tiny new eyes still almost sealed shut.

"Hello my wee handsome prince." She whispered, gazing at his big, chubby cheeks. His little eyes narrowed as they stared back up at her. She couldn't quite read what emotion played across his little blue orbs: curiosity, shock… maybe a bit of fear. He blinked, straining his eyes to get a good look at her, his bitty mouth agape in awe.

"You know mummy's voice, don't you m'lad? Don't you, my beautiful baby boy?" The baby gazed up at her, his eyes shutting again as he yawned, unable to stay present long enough to determine anything. "You're my miracle my darling baby, did you know that? Mummy's little miracle." She whispered, pressing her forehead gently against his.

Elsie kissed his bruised little forehead gently, clutching his bitty fingers in her own, wondering what he really thought of her. She couldn't put into words what she thought, or felt, knowing only that she was overwhelmed and over the moon for the baby she'd been sure was not in the cards for her, the baby whose existence had caused a painful rift in her brand new, long wanted marriage. Elsie couldn't say how she felt, except to say that whatever the cost, whatever the pain to have him… her little boy was more than worth it. She'd hidden it deep, but she'd wanted him a lifetime… and the fact that he was Mr. Carson's son just made it all the more worth the wait.

"I'm back my love." Carson whispered, returning to the room.

"Hello daddy." She whispered back, taking the baby in her arms with a bit of difficulty on her part.

"Oh… Elsie don't strain...!"

"I've got him da."

Carson stood and watched for a moment, taking time to soak them in. He couldn't believe that was his family: his wife… his son. His baby son. Carson sat on the edge of the bed and placed his hand on the baby's head as he kissed his wife. The little boy yawned, his fuzzy little head brushing against his father's hand as he burrowed his face into his mother's chest, his little lips naturally making suckling motions despite his sleepiness. Elsie smiled down at him dreamily and Carson laughed.

"I see you've fallen in love with another man." He teased, pretending to be jealous of his wife's affections toward their newborn baby son.

"At that I have." She giggled.

Elsie smiled deeply, staring down at their newborn, rocking him as he drifted off, sticking out his little tongue, wanting milk. The wide-eyed couple just stared at their baby in awe as he slept, wearing nothing but a nappy and wrapped in the blanket his mother made for him.

"How, can we have a baby?" He asked, his breath taken away.

"I don't know." She admitted, still rocking the baby.

Carson cupped the baby's cheek into his hand. "A son… how can I have a son Elsie?" He asked, his tone one of total wonderment.

She leaned up and kissed his cheek. She didn't say it, but she was so very proud to have given him the son she always knew he should have. It didn't matter that they were too old; in her mind it would keep them young for however long they needed to be. Carson leaned down and kissed his wife tenderly, rubbing his nose against hers.

"How… how I was awful to you…" He sighed. "You've gone through so much to give me a son and I treated you so abhorrently Elsie. You've been through so much you shouldn't have had to go through… because of me when the last thing on earth I ever wanted was for you to hurt, especially at my hand."

"My Charlie, look at our baby." She urged. "We forgive you."

"…. Why?"

Carson was besotted with upset. How could he do this to her and let her hurt so deeply when she was carrying his baby? The fact that he'd done it shamed him deeply, making him feel far less than a man and yet when he looked down at his son, something made him feel like more of a man than ever. He'd heard it, but found that it was true the moment he took the baby in hand the first time, there was a deep love that came with fatherhood, one that burrowed deep into his soul somewhere between the first time he touched the babe's head, his first little cry, and the first time he held him in his arms. It took his breath away, it shamed him, it filled his heart with love and pride all at once.

"He's our hero. He took such wonderful, tender care of mummy after all."

"Id've done that no matter what Elsie. I love you so deeply Mrs. Carson…."

"You also made sure our lad came into the world safely…."

"I'd've done that as well." He considered.

"Even if you were still mad I was pregnant?"

"Well yes I love you, I'd not have let you suffer without aid… and I'm not the type of man who ever didn't love my child. I'd never have let him suffer either…"

Elsie smiled. "Finally, we love him, because there'd be no baby… no full marriage without daddy's urging. See m'lad?" She asked. "That's your da." The baby made a fussing noise. "Yes you know he can be a curmudgeon but he's our curmudgeon and its because of him we're a family now."

Carson bit his lip and burst out crying at his wife's words. "Oh Elsie… oh Elsie how can I ever ever…"

"By enjoying your wife and your lad and appreciating the fact that you got more than you ever bargained for. It's not a full marriage anymore Mr. Carson, it's a full life."

….

"I'm so sorry he was so difficult to bare Mrs. Carson." Another hour passed and the family still lay there together.

Elsie was tired but couldn't bear to let her little boy go, wanting to just hold him as he slept and soak in every moment of his newness.

"It's alright, he's a big, healthy, beautiful boy. My dream of a little boy." She said, not looking up from him.

"Oh Mrs. Carson he's my dream too. You're both my dream." He whispered, having already embraced this idea of a full life. "M-may I hold…"

"Of course Mr. Carson. Here, here he is. Here's your beautiful son." Her heart sighed with relief, for so long she'd been afraid he'd refuse the child when it was born, never imagining that instead he'd be her partner in bringing it into the world.

"My son." He almost giggled, carefully taking the baby in his arms. "I get to have my own son, Mrs. Hughes." He looked back at her for a moment like she wouldn't already know this, tears in his eyes.

Lord Grantham hadn't had his own son and it'd caused him considerable problems in life… and here he was, several stations below him in life and many years older, blessed with a little baby boy… he could not believe it.

Carson was astounded by how tiny the baby looked in his embrace and how big he seemed in Elsie's. The little boy kicked in his sleep, his eyes still shut tight. Carson was overwhelmed by the bruises all over his little son's body, tokens that for the time they'd remain, would remind him of just how difficult the child's birth had been, mostly for his mother. If he was so bruised on the outside, how badly was Elsie hurting inside? Carson worried that the baby wasn't all right, and it frightened him to think of all his wife had endured during her delivery. He was worried sick she might not be all right even if she seemed it.

"Mrs. Carson, are you feeling all right?"

"I'm just fine Charlie. Sore. Tired, but fine. The bleeding has slowed."

"About that…"

"I'm sure its normal Charlie, I'm feeling quite fine."

"You endured so much tonight… I must make sure…"

In truth Carson, was awed by her and all that she'd gone through. The birth had seemed so painful he couldn't believe she'd made it through without any real aid: that she wasn't injured or dead.

"That's so honorable, Mr. Carson but mummy is quite fine."

"Did you hear that m'lad?" Carson asked his son. "Mummy is quite fine. Regardless of that statement, I shall keep close watch on her."

She blushed but didn't say anything more of it. "Look at him. Look at that chubby little tummy, Mr. Carson." She giggled. "Look at his little tummy!"

Both of them sucked in as much detail about their newborn as they could, never wanting to forget a second of their first sweet moments with him.

" And his eyes, ooh he has my eyes!" Elsie teared up.

"He's the best of you and me, Mrs. Hughes."

It was hard to tell right now, what he'd gotten from who. The most obvious thing was his da's hair and his mum's eyes. Carson thought he had her smile and lips, and she thought he had his nose.

"Isn't that just what you wanted from a full marriage Charlie, the best of you and me? I know this is what it means to me."

He paused, observing that Elsie was right. He'd wanted to spend the rest of their days together and here it was, written out in this boys' tiny face: the best of him and her forever.

"I love him beyond description, Mrs. Hughes." He said, pressing his forehead to hers, the baby now half in each of their arms.

Elsie squealed and bit her lip. "I'm over the moon in love with my little boy."

"I'm over the moon in love with you too." He whispered, surprising her by kissing her deeply.

"You don't find me wholly displeasing now do you Mr. Carson?" She asked, holding their newborn son's giant head in her hand as she happily took him back fully in her embrace. Carson kept the baby's head in the palm of his hand.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"That…that you can't stand me now after watching me… spend several hours screaming my head off pushing our wee lad out."

Elsie was sure it'd been a graphic, disturbing display she hadn't had room at the time but in hindsight she was embarrassed.

"Oh Elsie. The last thing you could ever be in my eyes is displeasing."

Elsie blushed, glad at that notion.

"In fact after watching all of that, dare I say I love you so much more."

"Oh Charlie…"

"I mean it… you're a remarkable woman Elsie Carson, and a beautiful wife and a courageous mum now. I love you beyond all measure Elsie…. I asked you, to be with me always for the time we have left on earth." He reminded, choking up as the sleeping baby sighed. "But all that's changed now. I've loved you for so long and spent a lifetime wishing you could be mine and now here he is, the ultimate proof of my love, my flesh and yours, my blood and yours rolled into one, in a love that will live forever." He bit his lip and cupped her cheek in hand as she blushed.

He'd never said it, but he'd always been able to see his children in her eyes, he just hadn't thought any of them had ever been met to be.

"Oh Charlie, that's so beautiful." His words took her breath away and he leaned down, kissing her deeply.

They looked down when the baby made a deep cooing sound and started to gurgle, his little hands moving around as if he were dreaming about something that required a lot of thought. They both giggled, turning to each other in surprise.

"We've such an animated little fellow Mrs. Hughes."

"At that we do." She giggled, observing his fingers and knowing at once that he must've been doing that in her tummy.

"Mrs. Hughes." Carson raised an eyebrow. "What's his name?"


	12. We've Finally Got It All, Part 2

Ch 12- We've Finally Got It All, Part II

"The new lad's mummy should probably think about getting some sleep." Carson smiled, laying logs on the fire as she sat up in bed, rocking their sleeping babe.

The newborn was out cold, his mouth open as his enormous (for a newborn) head lay hard against his mother's arm. Elsie found herself giggling at the idea that such a new babe could snore so loud.

"No." She said, smiling down at her baby, cradling him like a doll. "I've much to stay awake for. I just want to take in all of his bitty baby nose, and his hair." She bit her lip to keep from crying. "I thought this had long since passed me by, Mr. Carson. A wee one of my own making. Of my making by a man who loves me! I have to hold him and hold him… for all the time I've missed."

"Oh Mrs. Carson. I feel the same." He whispered. Carson slid back into bed next to her, tenderly kissing the side of her head. He was also wholly amazed by the fact that he'd fathered this child by her. "That still doesn't determine however, what kind of a name the lad has. What has mummy been thinking?"

He'd asked her over an hour ago and she was still thinking. Elsie paused. Her baby boy wasn't any of the names she considered. He had to be something different, unique. She'd considered Charlie when pregnant, primarily to guilt the husband who she'd been sparring with. But this one certainly was not a junior. He had to have a name of his own. She'd considered Max because she liked it, but she looked down at him and found it did not fit. She'd considered Samuel because she loved it, and still did. But he was not a Sam either.

"Have you any ideas my boy's daddy?"

Carson paused, watching his little boy sleep. He was in awe and transfixed by the child. A rush of emotions sped through his mind and heart. He swallowed hard, barely able to speak. The last thing he could utter was a name. He didn't think it his place after the way he'd behaved.

For years before his marriage, he'd been too sad to think of a name for a child he knew he'd never have. And when Elsie was expecting, he'd been far too worried, too troubled. Now he couldn't just _choose_ something. The child was far too special. Too precious to just simply _name_. It would have to be given a lot of thought.

"Mummy just knows he needs something… unique."

"Unique?" Carson raised an eyebrow. "Well then, what does mummy's Scottish blood have to say?"

"Oh but he's an English baby boy, like his da." She reasoned, looking up at him and biting her lip.

She wanted him to have input and his refusal to do so made her feel as if he was back to not caring.

"He's also half Scot and I happen to love a certain Scot very much." He confided, her heart softening at his words.

"Oh my Charlie." She giggled, leaning in to kiss him.

"Well, we've James." He finally made a suggestion.

"No."

"An…"

"Our lad needs a name no one will ever forget. Those are nice names … but this babe is special, more than most. He's not an Andrew, or a Max, or a James."

"No he's not." Carson agreed.

He sighed, reaching out to run his fingers through his boy's hair. It was his hair all right, but Carson saw just a hint of red in the little brown bits that gave his mum away. He paused for a moment, studying his newborn son and realizing that she was right. He was very special and not just any name would do simply because they liked it.

"Benjamin." He considered carefully.

"I rather like that one, but not quite enough. Haaaaa! Bretton!" She cried delightfully and he started to laugh. "He's Bretton, Mr. Carson!"

"What?" Carson laughed. "What kind of a name is Bretton, Mrs. Hughes?"

Carson was highly amused, having never thought, when he asked her what she'd like to name their son, that she'd come up with something so off the cuff.

"Well, he's a British boy, like his da and it's a Scottish name for a British boy."

Literally, that's what it met in Scotland. _Bretton_ : a man from Britain. Carson thought it odd, but saw the fit at once. It seemed perfect and worked with the child's shared Scot and English heritage. More than that, it was unique.

"Please Mr. Carson, his mummy loves it and finds it so adorable. She thinks it was met to be."

Elsie felt a sense of completion she'd never known before when she looked down at her son, the name on the tip of her tongue. That was him alright.

"I suppose it's a cute name, Mrs. Hughes. Modern which no one would expect of us… and you're quite right he should have something a little unusual that befits both his parents."

"But the name doesn't displease his da, because…"

"No." He laughed. "Bretton is strong, my Mrs. Carson. Da approves wholly." Carson reached out to cup the baby's head in his hand. "It's what daddy was looking for too."

"Well then welcome to the world, Bretton Maxwell Carson." She giggled, starting to cry again.

"No, no. That won't do!"

"Oh?" She was concerned.

"Welcome to the world, Bretton _Hughes_ Carson." Carson corrected, cupping his son's head in his hand as he leaned down to kiss his wife.

….

"Waaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaahhhh-ahhhhh." The baby cried so hard that his shaking rocked his cradle.

"Charlie… Charlie he's crying." Elsie muttered, instantly falling back asleep.

"Oh…. Ohh!" He realized, climbing out of bed. "There's the little lad. There's his da's wee little lad!"

"Waaaaaa!" Bretton sobbed, almost panicking.

"There's, there's my little boy." Carson soothed, rocking the new baby and holding him tightly, not wanting to wake his exhausted wife again. He took the baby out into the hall, hoping that he didn't need feeding, but in an instant Carson realized he was wet.

"Oh my little lad." He said, taking him into the nursery for the first time and laying him down carefully. "Your old da's never changed a nappy in his time but he'll do his best." He said, realizing his hands were beginning to shake…

"Oh no…" He looked down, his shaky hands framing his crying newborn son in the foreground.

It was such a contrast, this crying, helpless, newborn of his own making, a stunning show of his youth and virility, and his old, tired, shaky hands. How could he have part of both at once?

Carson paused, noting his little boy continued to scream his head off in discomfort. He lie his formidable, but shaky hand at the top of the boy's tiny tummy, in the hope that he'd be of any comfort. He didn't know what to do; he couldn't wake his wife, and he certainly didn't want to risk dropping the babe.

Without much more choice, Carson went forward, his hands shaking like leaves, and changed the nappy, tending to his son so carefully you might've thought him an expert. Carson was surprised to see his newborn's tears slow to a gentle stop as he tended to him.

"See Bretton m'lad, that's what happens when you and your da work together." Carson laughed as the now dry babe stopped his crying and squinted up at his da, trying to figure out who he was.

Carson leaned down and kissed the boy's forehead before nervously taking him back in his arms. This however was the true test. Would he drop him or not? Would he bang his head? Carson quickly sat in the rocking chair, the babe snug carefully in his embrace. This was what he'd been so afraid of: failing.

"Your da wants so much to keep you safe m'lad."

He stared for a moment. This was the first time he and his son were alone together, and Carson found himself overwhelmed. This was the first time he could cradle him and stop just to marvel over him and the fact that this was his son, the son he'd been sure would never come. The son he'd made with Mrs. Hughes. The son who'd carry on his name.

"I cannot believe you're my son." Carson started to cry. "You're a wonderful, wee son, did you know that?" The baby blinked at his father's question.

Alone and ashamed, Carson broke down in tears of regret. How could he have ever rejected the babe before him? The one his beautiful wife had worked so hard in her old age to bare him. Carson traced his large thumb along the tiny baby's chubby cheek, the smoothness of his skin forcing him to think about how he'd been knit together carefully in his mother's delicate womb … while he was berating her for it.

"I'm unworthy of the charge of you." He spoke. "But your da promises he will do everything earthly possible, to ensure you have the most wonderful, loving upbringing a boy could hope to have."

Carson continued to cry, the baby squinting as he searched his face with tiny blue eyes just like his mummy's.

"You probably think I'm an old fool." He assumed. "But… your da gave up on the idea of you a long, long time ago. And I… well I just can't believe you're here with me."

The baby cooed, looking up at his dad, blinking with interest. Bretton was a little confused but unafraid. He knew his mother's voice by heart and wondered where she was. He missed her, the sound of her steadily beating heart looming over him, lulling him to sleep. Bretton fussed, missing his mom, despite the fact that his father's arms were comforting in a way he didn't understand.

"Let me tell my lad his first story. It's something of a fairy tale." The baby hiccupped, still staring back as best as he could. Carson pat his back, noting that the baby's entire backside fit perfectly in the palm of his hand.

"One day, many years ago, when your da was a young man and the new butler at Downton Abbey." He said, rocking the babe. "A beautiful woman walked in to the kitchens, her hair a perfect auburn red, her Scottish brogue like the most heavenly of music… and her smile. Her smile stole my heart."

"Ooooh." The baby gurgled, starting to yawn.

"And then I looked into her eyes, eyes of purest blue just like yours m'lad. And I never saw anything the same again. She had me at hello and forever… and that's when I first saw you m'lad… right in her eyes."

Carson started to cry again. The story wasn't really hyperbole. It was in Elsie's eyes, and at first glance that he'd first seen himself as a father and a husband, just as long as she were in it with him.

"Many years went by. And even when… even when your silly da finally found the courage to ask mummy to marry him… even then he still thought you were in his imagination. It should've been too late and your da is so glad it wasn't. I love you Bretton Carson, lad of my dreams." He whispered, kissing the now sleeping baby.

…

"Hmmm…mmmm." Elsie murmured into her pillow. "Oooh!" She yelped. "Ow." She whispered, not wanting to wake her boys.

The next morning came quickly and Elsie found she ached. She sat up and leaned over, looking down into her newborn son's cradle just as he started to cry.

"Oh. Oooh m'lad." She whispered, as Breton screamed.

It pained her desperately, but she leaned down into the crib and lifted her new baby into her arms, cuddling him close.

"Oh my Bretton Carson. Happy first morning, my beautiful, baby lad."

Bretton fussed, turning his head toward his mother's breast, his tears slowing upon realization that he was back with her. Bretton yawned, as his mother rocked him, moving her nightgown so he could eat. Elsie looked down, smiling as the baby started to nurse. Soothed by the beating of her heart, Bret closed his eyes as his mother held him close, running her fingers through his hair.

"Good morning my sweet little babe." She whispered, taking his tiny hand.

"Good morning my lad's sweet mummy." Carson said, his voice low.

"Good morning daddy." Her Scottish lilt, thick.

"How are my sweetheart and babe?"

"Your sweetheart is amazed this morning Mr. Carson and your babe is famished it seems."

Carson smiled, sitting up to watch his son as he suckled. It was an odd sight one Carson didn't think he could get over. He bit his lip, his heart bursting with pride and the rest of him overwhelmed with gratitude that he could have such a beautiful family after all.

"He's so beautiful, thank you so much Charlie." She whispered, smiling back at him.

"For what?"

"For asking me to marry you… and for wanting a _full_ life with me when I was afraid to." She smiled, leaning in to kiss him. "You've given me the greatest gift in the world Mr. Carson."

"If only I'd done it sooner." He confessed. They smiled, looking down at their son as he made a fussing noise. "And if only I'd… Elsie I'm so ashamed for how I treated you."

"No Charlie no. This… This is perfect." She cradled Bretton's head in her hand. "This is all how it was met to be. We were met to fall in love all over again when we fell in love with him."


	13. Just The Three Of Us

Ch 13- Just The Three Of Us

"He's all head Mrs. Hughes," Carson observed as his wife rocked the baby. "Look at that huge head. It's what really made it so difficult to bare him and I'm so sorry."

"Well if he's going to take after his da, I wouldn't exactly have expected him to be a little lad." Elsie reasoned.

Despite Clarkson's skepticism Elsie had been preparing for a somewhat sizable babe from the very start. And sizable Bretton was. Later, his parents would discover he'd been a little over half a stone at birth and nineteen inches long. But despite that, his parents were amazed by how delicate and precious their new treasure was. They stopped; transfixed when the baby yawned so big it made his little body shake even in sleep. It'd been a day since the baby was born and his parents had made little effort to venture into the world outside, both of them spellbound by their tiny boy and the instant family he'd made them into.

But now, it'd stopped snowing.

"Elsie. I think I had better fetch the doctor soon and notify the house that he's been born."

"Oh but why should daddy go out into the snow?"

"Because I'm no cook, and Mrs. Patmore will send meals for the exhausted mummy and daddy in question. And because I'm no doctor and I want to ensure you're both well."

He didn't say it but she read between the lines. Clarkson had been concerned about a woman her age giving birth. He found it risky even though the pregnancy hadn't presented her with any particular complication. Elsie was exhausted and still in pain. The bleeding had not stopped either, but she knew she was quite fine.

"Charlie you're so sweet, but I don't want you catching your death of cold! Baby lad and I need you."

Carson paused, her words unsettling him at first. He knew he was needed and it was stressing him to the max. He couldn't be sure he'd always be there for his wife or his boy and he wished with everything in him that he could make that pressing worry go away. That age and possible illness weren't a risk for him, as they weren't for most other new fathers.

Carson swallowed a lump in his throat, his heart tightening in his chest at the realness of it all. It'd been there before: angering him, plaguing him. Carson watched his newborn son sigh in his sleep as he rested comfortably, obliviously in his mother's arms, a little bubble of baby slobber slipping from his mouth. It was real now: too real for him. Carson paused before reaching down, brushing the baby's cheek with his finger.

"I'll be fine, Mrs. Carson." He promised because he had to. "That is unless you don't think you and the lad will be fine here alone until I return."

"I don't like it but I understand it. Charlie…"

She swallowed, staring up into his eyes for a beat, and then looking down at her sleeping baby, understanding all too well what they were really talking about. She stared down at her baby, rocking him and gulped.

"Charlie… I don't want to disrupt our little world." She pled for him to stay. "The word's such a nice place with _ **just**_ the three of us in it."

"It's wonderful, my Mrs. Carson" He said, not knowing what else to say.

Burdened, he kissed her and left the room quickly leaving her worried he didn't feel the same.

…

Elsie didn't care for the quiet that fell upon the house once Charlie left in search of the doctor. She stared down at the baby in her arms as he suckled intently at her breast. Bretton ate eagerly, not bothering to come up for air. Elsie had never been so close to anyone in all her life nor felt so alone. Charlie's sudden absence startled her, stirring something deep within that harkened back to the darkest days of her pregnancy. Days when she'd been certain she'd end up old and alone with a babe. Now here she was.

"How on earth did you and I end up together m'lad?" She whispered, running her free hand through his baby hair as he suckled.

Elsie was a jumble of emotions. On one hand, the baby's dependency on her and her alone scared her senseless. Mr. Carson could just walk out into the snow, but baby needed her to survive. She knew he always thought of himself, of his own demise as a father and provider but what if something were to happen to her? Then where would her poor baby be? Elsie found herself even more distressed when the unpleasant thought sank in.

She looked down at her baby hopelessly as he suckled ravenously on her breast. He wasn't listening to his mother's words, only to the soft beat of her heart which had already started to lull the little one to sleep. Elsie watched him heat as his tiny eyes grew heavy.

"Life is full of lots of little surprises, did you know that my wee love?"

…

"Congratulations are in order Carson, Mrs. Carson. You did an excellent job, especially since it seems you had an unusual labor. Most likely back labor, which I thought might happen."

Clarkson had come expediently, horrified to find that the Carson's had delivered their child alone. But he was pleasantly surprised to discover that Elsie and the baby were both well cared for and doing just fine.

"Perhaps I should recruit the two of you as midwives." He suggested jokingly. Elsie giggled but Carson bristled at the inappropriateness of the statement. "Yes well…" Clarkson continued, disappointed that his joke had fallen on deaf ears. "Mrs. Carson, you should be fully healed come spring, in six or seven weeks. The bleeding will stop during that time."

Elsie understood the term, _fully healed_ but her husband did not.

"I'd like you to rest for a few more days, stay in bed, nurse the babe. But you may get up whenever you like."

"So she's…?" Carson questioned, uncertain.

"Mrs. Carson is the picture of health for a new mother, just very tired as she should be." Carson sighed with relief and Elsie giggled at him, having known it would be this way. "And I'm pleased to announce that Bretton Carson is just perfect."

Clarkson was truly surprised. He hadn't told them, but part of him expected that the Carson baby wouldn't be all right. His mother's age left a lot to be desired. When he'd first informed her of her pregnancy, he'd expected miscarriage soon after but then been proved wrong. As she grew, he expected the child to stay small, maybe be born early. Again he'd been proved wrong when Bretton grew quite big and his mother's body stayed the course, carrying him all the way to the time he was supposed to be born.

Clarkson was perhaps most excited though that he'd been wrong on the third count: that the child would have some kind of deformity or ailment. Bretton Carson was the image of a perfect baby. Clarkson ascertained that he had a good heart, big clear blue eyes, was strong, quite big, and sharp too.

"I'm not sure exactly what you did." He said, getting his medical bag and standing up. "But you beat the odds, and your son will have a wonderful, happy childhood, it looks like with parents who really know what they're doing…"

….

"He's a lad!" Mrs. Patmore cried loudly.

Baby Bretton had been at perfect peace. That is until his mother's bedroom filled with crowds of strangers intent on paying him a visit. Word that Mrs. Hughes had her baby quickly reached all corners of Downton Abbey. Carson had gone there first thing, proudly announcing to Lord Grantham (and begrudgingly Thomas) that he had a son.

Soon everyone had heard and nearly all of them made their way to the Carson cottage, baring gifts. Molesley and Miss Baxter arrived first; wanting to see the child and make sure that Elsie was well. Lord and Lady Grantham came separately the Lord accompanied by his son-in-law, the Lady by Downton's entire very eager nursery. The much bigger children intimidated Brett but he couldn't help watching them with curiosity even as they touched his hands. He whimpered, pulling away when little Marigold pinched him. Sybbie made up for it by kissing his hands and George promised they would be good friends.

Mrs. Crawley, Thomas, and even the Dowager happened by, but Beryl Patmore was the guest who was larger than life. And from Bretton Carson's perspective she was the guest from hell. Throughout out the visits, the newborn boy lay in his mother's arms and blinked, searching everyone with a curiosity veiled by poor eyesight and even poorer reasoning abilities. The more people came, the more Brett grew confused. But it was his self-proclaimed, over-eager Auntie Beryl who sent him over the top from confusion to frustration and finally sheer terror.

Brett flinched, closing his eyes and squeezing his fists, backing his body up into his mother's as Beryl continued on loudly. Elsie held him close, sensing that he was a little unnerved. Despite her attentiveness to her son, however, she didn't understand that her best friend was scaring him.

"Bretton! What a wonderful name! He's such a darling lad with a darling name to boot! Just look at him Daisy!" She cried as Bretton started to sob.

Daisy was the only one who understood Beryl was being overexcited, but didn't feel she could say much. Elsie was overwhelmed too. Exhausted, she was almost happy to have someone hold her newborn for a few moments.

"Here let me hold the lad!" Beryl cried, taking him from her friend's arms without waiting for a response.

It was then Bretton really started to scream, terrified at the prospect of being taken from his mother's arms.

"Shuuu, shuuuuu what's to fuss about lad it's only your Auntie Beryl!" She cried as Brett continued to scream. "Just wait until you get big enough to fatten up!"

….

"Waaaaaaaaa-ahhhhhhh!" The baby shrilled, shaking in his mother's arms.

"Shuuuuu, shuuuu. Brett, my wee baby Bretton." Elsie soothed, rockling him as he cried. "Mum's got you, she's got you. She's got her wee boy."

Hours had passed since Beryl and Daisy left and Brett had still not stopped crying. Carson paused, coming back in the bedroom, a tray in hand containing their supper.

"The lad is still fussing?"

"Sobbing." His wife corrected

Unlike his first night, Bretton Carson's second night of life was going anything but smoothly and his parents were unsettled. Elsie rocked her screaming son; noting her husband's hands begin to shake and the tray start to rattle as he managed to set it down. She longed to reach out and steady his hand, but the baby squeaked loudly in that moment, calling her attention back to him.

She sighed inside in that instance finally understanding why it was that he he'd been so upset at the news of her pregnancy. He'd wanted her to himself and it made sense. After all of these years, he'd wanted someone to comfort and nurture him in his old age … just as she was now nurturing their newborn son. Elsie rocked the baby in vein and looked up at her shaky husband, in an instant feeling guilty and feeling guilty for feeling guilty.

"There now, what's to fuss about m'lad?" Carson asked, sitting on the side of the bed and taking the baby's head in his hand. "What's to fuss about?"

Elsie smiled sadly as Charlie took the baby. She felt so conflicted now, and yet so relieved every time he paid their little one such care.

"Charlie I…"

"He's a beautiful son." He smiled.

Carson's hands still shook, even as he held the baby (the little boy fit in just his father's two hands). Elsie watched closely as her husband's shaking lulled the baby into a sense of calm. Charlie didn't let on that he noticed but the irony was painful for Mrs. Carson.

"I think I shall look on him everyday, and still not believe you could've given me a beautiful son. Just think of that Bretton. Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes, how about that?" He chuckled. "Oh there now!" He laughed as the baby continued to fuss.

Elsie bit her tongue having been about to apologize. She sighed. "I wish Doctor Clarkson would not have said that we knew what we were doing."

Carson smiled, looking back down at her. "I think we know what we're doing Mrs. Hughes..."

"Then why did he cry all day?"

Bretton continued to fuss in his father's hands, neither of his very attentive parents understanding that he was simply overtired.

"Mrs. Hughes. I promise we shall find our way with him just as we've found our way together." He said.

Carson smiled deeply and leaned down to kiss her, the sentence a reminder of how much he worried for their future. But still, something softened inside his heart at the mere thought that that was what he'd wanted a full marriage for: to find their way together. Elsie paused for a beat.

"Our wee lad likes it just the three of us, just like mummy." She observed.

Carson smiled deeply. "Elsie the world is an infinitely better place with the three of us in it together. When I asked you for a full marriage, I never could've believed what would come of it." He said, smiling down at their son as his whimpers turned into yawns.

Touched by his words, she leaned down and kissed the baby, tears in her eyes.

"Oh Charlie. Charlie I never could've dreamed up something so precious as this." She said quietly, her lips still lingering against her little one's skin.

Brett squinted and smiled, loving the feeling of his mummy's nose and breath brushing his face.

"I'm so sorry I almost rejected my beautiful wife and wonderful son. The world really is so perfect with just the three of us in it." Her heart flipped when he said it, still mesmerized by the reassurance no matter how many times and how many ways he said it. "I think today was overwhelming for my wife and my lad." He remarked and Elsie nodded in agreement.

"It was very kind of everyone to come but baby and mummy weren't ready." She confessed. "We still just want to be alone with daddy and get used to being a family for a while." She confessed, her focus on her newborn.

"And so that's what we shall do from now on."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Elsie I… I was so wrong to want to keep you to myself. Our family is a precious gift my love. Elsie." He said taking her chin and turning her to look at him. "Almost a year ago, I was proud and honored… tickled to take you as my wife."

She blushed at the thought.

"Back then I… well I wanted you all my own, but now that we're a family … " He paused in awe at what he was about to say. "Now that you and I will remain together in him forever…" She started to cry when he said this, it was what she'd been mesmerized by from the moment she'd learned she was pregnant.

Charlie collected himself, deciding to rephrase what he'd been about to say. He didn't know how to say what was on his heart.

"Almost a year ago I made a promise to you that I'd honor you forever. I don't feel I've lived up to it in this first year. Not when you've given me the greatest gift of all and I've treated you deplorably … but now I'm going to make a new promise: that for as long as we have breath in our body and ever after, the three of us will live in our own delightful little world together, because I agree already it's the best of all world's Mrs. Hughes."

Tears pooled in Elsie's eyes and she leaned up and kissed him.

"I always knew." He said, now holding the babe close. "That you and I together would make for the most perfect combination and the most beautiful life. And that the world would be such a nice place, with just you and me in it."

"And of course you knew that it would be all we ever longed for." She contemplated, her son easing his tiny head into her hand as his parents shared a kiss interrupted by a loud knock on the front door.


	14. Breath Within Me

Ch 14 – Breath Within Me

"Who could that be?" Elsie wondered aloud as her husband transferred the babe back into her arms.

"Oh who could that be is right!" Carson huffed, a second knock disrupting his focus on the babe.

Carson was angered by the interruption, his outburst interrupted by the sweetest of yawns from his tiny son. The couple sighed, despite the pressing need to answer the door, and paused to take note of how their newborn's cheeks looked so much like his da's when they returned to their resting place. Content now, Bretton settled back into his mother's arms unable to keep his eyes open any longer.

"You'd better answer it Charlie, it could be an emergency." She observed, rocking their son.

Carson was frustrated now. "All is well at the house, I assure you! What in the world could be the meaning of this!"

Charlie hesitated before making his way down the stairs, barely able to part from his wife and newborn baby son. Elsie smiled, easing her finger into her son's tiny, waiting hand.

"Sleep tight my little one." She whispered, the baby yawned again, feeling his mum squeeze his finger tight.

Carson practically threw the front door open, but then stopped awkwardly surprised to find Bates standing there, a basket in hand.

"Mr. Bates?" Carson questioned.

"I hear congratulations are in order, Mr. Carson." He managed a smile, offering him the small care basket.

The Bates had literally been the only ones who hadn't stopped by that day. Charlie couldn't blame them, fully understanding their reasoning for staying away.

"Oh… Mr. Bates, tis very kind you needn't have done this."

"Sure we should've."

Carson studied the younger man carefully, noting the sadness in his eyes despite his joyful attitude. Bates paused. Like his wife, he was deeply hurt by the fact that the Carson's had been blessed with a child when they still hadn't been. But unlike her, he'd gained the strength to see that it the abbey's new babe was something worth welcoming. For Anna it was heartbreaking and angry making. For him it was simply deeply bittersweet.

"Would you like to come in?" Carson offered.

The connection was awkward for the butler. Somehow he felt he owed the Bates' an apology. They'd wanted a babe so bad and he'd not wanted one at all, and yet here he was the lucky recipient while they still had no luck.

"No, no… I shouldn't like to disturb Mrs. Hughes and the baby. I only came to offer my congratulations."

Carson found himself a bit overwhelmed once Bates left. He looked down at the basket Bates had brought, full of little things for the baby and a nice loaf of bread. Carson sat the gift on the kitchen table, quickly wondering if parts of the gift had in fact been purchased for the Bates baby who'd never shown up.

"Charlie, who was it?" Elsie asked.

Carson looked up but didn't say a word, wondering if he dare tell his superstitious wife about Bates' visit. After all, throughout her pregnancy she'd kept saying it:

'She begrudges me my babe.'

Carson bit his lip, wondering if such an assertion, if true could hold power. He paused, guilt biting at his heart with the knowledge that he'd also begrudged his wife their babe.

"Charlie, where are you?" She called.

Without a word, Carson made his way up the stairs and back to the bedroom, the basket in hand. He smiled pleasantly, watching as his wife nursed the babe.

"You've gotten the hang of that?"

"He's a good eater, like someone else I know." She teased. "Who was at the door and what's that, its very nice." She observed of the basket.

"Elsie…" He paused beginning to change into his pajamas. "If we…. if we weren't the ones blessed with a babe do you suppose you'd have stayed away from Anna when she was expecting?"

Elsie paused for a moment and looked up from her son's feeding. She giggled. "Now that's a peculiar question!"

"Do you suppose we'd be as upset as they are?"

"In our own way I suppose." She considered, playing with her newborn son's fingers as he ate. "But it's different for us. We shouldn't have been able to have a babe in the first place. They assume they should be able to."

"But do you suppose… if it were the other way you'd have been hurt?"

Elsie paused, smiling bittersweetly. "Look at him, Mr. Carson. Just look at our baby, knit together out of you and me. If it were the other way … yes I'd think about the possibility … of what you and me together might look like. How he might feel. How his little eyes could be his or mine cheeks yours…. Or his smile ours." She reflected, smiling up at him as the babe yawned. Carson sat at her side, staring down at the babe as she continued talking. "I feel badly for Anna, but I can honestly say I'm glad it's me who got this mummy chance … we've deserved something special you and I for all the time we've not had together. He's our something special and I'm over the moon for him!"

Charlie smiled. "I'm over the moon for him too: our something special."

"Charlie?"

"Hmmm?" He asked, looking down at his baby in gratitude.

"Now that you mention it, if it hadn't been me, I think something inside me would've longed for all of time to bare him for you, to be his mummy because he was made of you and me."

"Oh Elsie…"

Her words were cutting. He'd not wanted her to have the child and yet, she'd have longed for it had she not fallen pregnant.

"Tis natural I suppose Mr. Carson when you love another person so much… "

"Yes it is." He whispered.

Carson was almost spellbound by her words and guilted by Bates' gesture. She was right, there was nothing more natural. She smiled, touched that he'd come to agree with her and continued.

"After all, you put him inside me with such tender care, Mr. Carson."

In all her life, Elsie would never forget how gentle and wonderful a lover Charlie had been their first few times together when she was hesitant and so afraid. Embarking on a full marriage only for the sake of his satisfaction, she quickly found it was something she'd never take back.

Without a word, Carson leaned down and kissed his wife, cutting her off, as she was about to speak again. She melted into the kiss, another part of full marriage she'd been so unsure of. But now with her husband at her lips and her son at her breast, she didn't know how she could've ever been so skeptical.

Elsie sighed when she pulled away, rubbing her nose against Charlie's.

"Who do you suppose he'll be Mrs. Carson?" He asked, softly rubbing his baby's fuzzy head with his thumb.

Elsie looked up at him, smiling deeply, knowing that her son was a first in their whole family. Because of the time he was born; he'd have a different life than anyone before him.

"Anyone he likes, Mr. Carson." She started to cry as he leaned down to kiss her.

…..

"Oh that feels so nice." Elsie sighed.

It'd been days since Elsie she'd been downstairs, and it'd felt like years since she'd been free to walk around without fear of going into labor and endangering the baby. Charlie came down the stairs after her, holding their newborn boy close. It was his first time downstairs.

Bretton yawned so big his whole little body seemed to stretch. The Carson's looked down at him, noting how tiny he was now that they were downstairs.

"Are you ready four your tour my love?" Elsie asked, ticking his bare tummy.

The boy squinted, his eyes still shut tight.

"Mummy and daddy have been waiting to show you our home."

Elsie's mind spun. She was overwhelmed to have a love and a baby and a home all her own. It'd been an idea she'd given up long ago. She'd really never expected such a lovely thing to happen to her. She watched as her husband lovingly showed the baby around, showing him the kitchen and the dining table and even the garden through the window.

"Charlie don't open the window! He'll freeze." Elsie cried.

They looked down at their newborn son; suddenly realizing that he was two days old and yet they'd not dressed him save a nappy. Neither had mentioned it before, but Elsie supposed they didn't want anything to detract from the newness of their babe.

"I suppose we could dress him." Carson offered.

"Alright, but only if we do it together. That's the last thing my little darling, your room."

It almost boggled Elsie's mind that her son would have a room all his own. Grown people in their world didn't have that, certainly most children didn't.

"Then we'll go up the stairs."

"One day soon enough, you'll learn to climb stairs yourself m'lad." Carson chuckled.

The baby struggled to keep his eyes open, knowing something important was happening as his parents took him into his nursery.

"Mummy and daddy made this room special for you." She cooed. "Just for our sweet boy."

Carson sighed. The idea of being there, in the nursery with his wife and son was remarkable to him. More than that, Carson was struck for the first time by just how perfect the room was for a little boy. He'd been skeptical before, but realized in that moment that Elsie had truly known what she was expecting.

"There's your cot my love, and your rocker and your toys … you'll love them later. And your window look at that it's a view m'love." Elsie squealed.

"You knew." He remarked, laughing.

"Knew? Knew what?"

"That he was going to be a perfect little boy."

"Yes." She smiled as he lay the baby down atop the dresser. "I've known and never doubted he was a lad all this time. Are you ready for your first clothes my love? Warm jammies will feel very nice."

Carson and Elsie were apprehensive at first, but quickly worked as a team to dress their son each of them grabbing a chubby little arm, then a leg, then another arm before snapping Brett into is pajamas… just in time for him to fall asleep again.

"I think its best we lay him down."

"No, no." She said, picking up the sleeping babe.

Elsie, you see, had resolved to hold her babe until he was too big to hold anymore. "I have a better idea."

…..

Carson was aghast that it began to snow again as he lit the fire in the hearth and Elsie settled on the sofa, the babe in her arms.

"Come and sit with us daddy." She whispered.

Carson smiled, getting to his feet and going to sit with his wife and baby. Soon he found himself snuggled together with them. She held the baby in her arms and cuddled close to him, he held her tight.

"I love our precious time together … although we will have to go back to the abbey sometime soon." He'd been nervous about mentioning it for a number of reasons, the Bates' included.

"It's alright." She smiled as he kissed her. "I can't wait to share Bretton with the world and I think he'll mean a lot to it."

"Oh me too: he's a special boy."

"But more than anything, I'm so elated to share him with you … after everything. I'm so elated you love him, and that you're the daddy I always knew you'd be!"

Carson paused, pressing his forehead against his wife's. "Oh my Mrs. Carson … I'd have never dreamed of having this with you and I'll be truly happy and grateful with every breath I take for all the days I've breath left within me."


	15. Anniversary

Ch 16 – Anniversary

"Well, look at him our little baby man." Carson chuckled, standing over his wife's shoulder. "Almost ready for his first day."

Bretton looked up at his parents quizzically, his big blue eyes darting back and forth. He lay in his cot wearing just his nappy and booties, waiting to be clothed. The baby could sense something was very different about the day, and he was scared. He squeezed his teddy bear, sucking on his ear. Several weeks had passed since Carson helped deliver his son and suddenly it was spring. While obviously still a newborn, Brett had grown and his eyesight cleared significantly.

"Are you ready my wee darling?" Elsie cooed, having no idea that her gentle smile and loving voice greatly calmed her frightened baby.

"Do we have everything we need?" Carson asked, almost in a panic. "Nappies, rags, his teddy…"

"Yes, yes." Elsie gave a frustrated sigh, cupping her hand under their little boy's head and beginning to put his shirt on him. He whimpered as he was lifted upward, pulled away from his bear. "I've got his things in the basket, there's just one little bundle that needs to go in there now."

Bretton kicked and fussed, beginning to screech as his mother tended to him. He did not like being dressed, nor did he enjoy deviation from their normal routine. Carson smiled down at his son as he cried.

"You've no need to cry Bretton, mummy and daddy are just preparing you for our day."

Brett screeched, scrunching up his fists as Elsie swaddled him, holding him close, trying her best to cuddle and shush him.

"Shuuuu, shuuu m'love, my baby Brett, my baby boy." She whispered, kissing his nearly baldhead.

Brett calmed, his loud cries slowing to grunt-like whimpering as Elsie placed him in the basket she always carried to Downton. Brett looked up at his parents, uncertain, raising a tiny eyebrow and clutching the bear as soon as his father handed it back to him.

"It's alright m'love, mummy and daddy have got you." Elsie assured, smiling sweetly at her husband as he beamed back.

It was a special day, made all the more special by their baby son. Neither had acknowledged that it was their very first wedding anniversary, and Elsie was very secretly hurt that Carson might have forgotten.

Brett fussed as his mother took the basket in hand. She grabbed one handle and Carson took the other as they went outside and into the sunlight. Baby Brett squinted at the sun and flinched at the light breeze. He'd barely been outside in his short life and was terrified by the new experience. Wanting his mother to hold him tight, he started to whine in protest.

"It's quite alright Bretton, you're on the way to Downton. I think you'll like it there: it's where some of the best things in life have happened to your da." Carson explained, smiling at his wife.

It'd been a year. He could never forget the blessed day they'd said I do. The wedding day had been blissful and all at once nerve wracking; both afraid the other would change their mind, when they longed for each other so deeply. Carson would never forget how nervously, but anxiously he'd awaited his first night alone with her, how her touch had been so soft, and her smile so warm.

He'd never forget looking deep into her crisp, blue pools as they seemed to beam back at him, acknowledging that she was his, all his at last… Carson smiled deeply as he looked down at their son. He'd never anticipated on that night, or any other, that they'd ultimately be three, not two.

Elsie too, looked down at Brett, blushing. By this time, the swinging basket had started to lull the formerly terrified baby into a sense of sleepy-calmness. Brett blinked as he looked around at the passing world for the first time, suppressing huge yawns every few seconds. There were flowers, birds and trees as far as his tiny eyes could see and he found himself totally overwhelmed by things totally foreign to him. He raised an eyebrow, overcome with another yawn that almost put him out and soothed by the sound of his parent's loving voices as they talked him through his first walk. Brett quieted, sucking on the teddy bear's ear. While very small, he already knew the bear to be his first friend.

"Are you sure you're up to it Elsie?" Carson asked, concerned as they approached the house. It wasn't too late to turn back.

"Yes, I suppose I'm ready."

"You could take more time, you're not even fully healed from the birth, Mrs. Carson, and I object to your working when..."

"No." She sighed. "I am not. But I shall be Mr. Carson, in time, and there's no sense staying in bed until then. I can work and have our lad with me."

"But Elsie, if it's too much for you…"

"I know you're worried, but you don't need to be. I am fine."

He sighed, stopping her and taking her free hand, squeezing it.

"You're my beautiful wife and the mother of my son. I just need to be sure." He explained. He needed to know she'd be safe.

"I promise, Mr. Carson." She smiled and stood on her tiptoes, kissing him softly, a prayer in her heart that he hadn't forgotten their special day.

He sighed, giving in and kissing her nose. "Alright my Mrs. Hughes, if you insist."

…..

"There he is!" Mrs. Patmore cried excitedly as the Carson's came through the kitchen door.

Daisy and Baxter looked up excitedly. All three women hurried toward the new baby, beginning to dote on him. Baxter took the basket from Elsie, resting it on the table as Carson helped his wife to sit, overlooking the newborn. Elsie wouldn't admit it, but she was tired, winded, even from the walk.

Brett would've been terrified if he couldn't sense his mother's presence but in some way, also found himself infatuated with the attention of the ladies who fawned over him, where he'd been so scared just weeks before.

"Awe, look at him, idn't he so cute!" Daisy gushed. "I can't wait to have one."

"Yes you can!" Beryl exclaimed and Baxter giggled.

"He's gotten so big." Baxter observed: doe eyed. Truthfully, she wanted a baby too.

"He's perfect, that's what he is." Beryl added.

"Well. I must be off." Carson placed his hands on his wife's shoulders and kissed her cheek. "Will you both be alright?"

"It looks like we'll be well taken care of Mr. Carson." She laughed.

"At that they will, go on Mr. Carson you can take over breakfast from Thomas lord knows he'll love that." Beryl encouraged.

"Sounds a splendid way to commence the time." Carson kissed his wife's cheek again, seeming enthused now.

"Goodbye Charlie." Elsie took her baby back in her arms as her husband left the room. Brett sighed; thrilled to be nestled in his mother's loving arms, but he sensed the absence of his father in the room at once and did not like it.

'Da.' He wondered, trying his best to look around. 'Dada…' More anxious now, he shoved his fist in his mouth, his eyes growing wide, almost with tears.

At once the women gathered all around him, Baxter and Daisy beginning to fawn over him again.

"Oooh Charlie now is it?" Beryl tried to tease. Elsie simply propped up her baby a bit for them all to see, laughing at Beryl a bit in reply.

"Yes Mrs. Patmore, I rather do think it is Charlie now. Well it's back to work for us too I suppose, m'lad." She kissed the baby's cheek.

Daisy looked back, disappointed.

"But the lad?" Beryl asked.

"I'll have him with me. Brett do you want to go to work with mummy?" She whispered.

Elsie watched Brett's eyes as they darted back and forth, questioning his surroundings.

"Oh my lad, if you think this is something wait till you see the upstairs…" She whispered, patting the baby's thigh.

…..

"That's it, go to sleep, you've had a long day, m'love." Elsie soothed.

Hours passed and before Elsie knew it, it was time for them to go home. Brett was almost fast asleep. It'd been a busy, peaceful day, one that was surreal for Elsie. Somehow, even after working almost every day throughout a long, lonely pregnancy, being back at Downton with her newborn made it all new and amazing again.

"I love you my wee one." She whispered, tears in her eyes.

Brett whimpered, making a fist as he closed his tiny overtired eyes. The little boy was listless and grumpy and Elsie was eager to find Charlie, understanding he needed to be put down before he burst into tears. She looked down at Brett, cradling him as she walked, trying to comfort him and not paying mind to where she was going. She almost screamed but instead called out with an audible yelp when she ran smack into Anna.

"Anna." She bit her lip awkwardly.

The two women had been avoiding each other all day, putting off their inevitable meeting as if it never had to happen. Elsie jumped, holding her newborn close as Anna looked on.

"Congratulations Mrs. Hughes." She forced herself to say.

Elsie noted a hint of bitterness to the woman's voice, but more than anything, an overwhelming sadness. For a moment, she would barely look at them and then changed her focus solely to Brett.

"Thank you Anna." Elsie said very sincerely. "Anna." She watched the other woman gulp. "This is Bretton…"

"Hello little Brett." She said softly, her eyes full of tears.

As jealous as she was, Anna would never wish the baby harm. Logically she knew this odd twist of fate was no one's fault.

"Anna I…"

"No… it's alright. Congratulations, Mrs. Hughes."

Anna gave Elsie a weak smile and hurried off, leaving Elsie sad this time, and wondering if Anna wanted to hold the babe.

…

"Happy three weeks, my beautiful, chubby cheeked little lad." Elsie whispered, humming a Scottish lullaby as she tucked her baby into his crib.

He slept silently as she started to rock the cradle, placing her hand gently atop his tiny belly, feeling him breathe under her touch, his little lips puffed out in a pout.

Elsie left her son to sleep and headed down stairs, drawn to the kitchen by the smell of something succulent simmering on the stove. She smiled when she reached the bottom of the stairs and paused, bracing herself there as she watched her husband slave over the hot stove, just for her. It was an adorable sight, the formidable giant, fumbling in the kitchen wearing her apron. He jumped, burning his fingers and she frowned sadly, hurrying to his side.

"Ur…Mrs. Hughes, you should be resting." He said sternly, frustrated that she'd jumped to his aid.

Elsie eyed him flirtatiously as she grabbed his fingers, kissing them softly.

"There." She said, caressing them lovingly. "All better."

"It's always better when you're about, even so, you've no business in the kitchen now…"

Elsie laughed. "Charlie its been weeks since he was born, we're getting on fine, Brett and I, you've no business slaving over a hot stove for the likes of me, although I must say, its very sweet of you."

He leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose. "I just aim to make sure my Elsie is well cared for."

Elsie's heart melted, thinking of how much she'd longed for him to care in this way when she was first pregnant. She smiled, kissing his lips softly when suddenly the baby began to cry again.

"Oh my wee lad." She sighed, breaking a way from her husband.

"I'll get him." Carson insisted.

"No." Elsie laughed, patting his chest. "What you have on the stove is burning, I'll get our lad."

"Oh!" Carson jumped, rushing toward the stove.

….

Soon the family of three sat down to dinner. Elsie nursed her son, surprised when her husband lit candles and poured her the tiniest glass of red wine.

"I hope you don't mind, Mr. Carson." She spoke of the baby's nursing.

"It's quite alright. He's our little boy, and he quite needs us…. Whoever thought, one year ago tonight, that we'd be sharing our first anniversary with our newborn son." Carson observed.

"Charlie you remembered!" She cried, looking up at him. He'd not said it yet, and despite how special he'd tried to make the evening she'd still assumed he'd forgotten.

"Of course I remembered! I could never forget the best day of my life, Mrs. Carson."

"Oh Charlie." She whispered as he leaned in and started to kiss her.

The entire year had been a whirlwind for Elsie. First there'd been the matter, of a full marriage, and whether or not to have one. Elsie couldn't recall anything being as frightening, or nerve-wracking, or even flattering as the idea of fully giving herself to a man she'd loved for so many years.

And even once she'd committed to it, she couldn't fathom that it was about to happen. Neither Carson, nor Elsie could recall having been so nervous or so excited than on the first night they spent alone together as man and wife, their full marriage finally consummated in the privacy of a quiet little hotel room in York.

Carson could remember every moment of it in great detail, the way her lips, breath and skin felt, meeting his for the very first time. The thrill of finally having her alone, in his arms, and all his … it was enough to make his aging heart explode (he thought it would) and his shaky hands go weak, just at her touch … but instead he'd proved himself to be strong, and virile all without trying.

He kissed Elsie deeply, snaking his tongue into her mouth, as she tilted her head. Finally, Carson broke the kiss, coming back up for air and leaned his forehead against his wife's. She nuzzled him, lovingly as they looked down at their baby. Carson paused a moment, running his thumb gently over the boy's forehead as he suckled.

"Mr. Carson." She asked flirtatiously. But he did not look up. "What would you've done, had you known a year ago tonight, that you'd make me pregnant."

Carson shuddered at her phrasing, understanding at once that she was trying to flirt with him. "I suppose I'd have passed out Mrs. Hughes."

Elsie giggled, rubbing her nose against his. "I suppose I'd have as well."

He looked back up at her, falling in love all over again, entranced by the sparkle of her deep blue orbs.

"My little lad did you know, today's the day mummy and I got married. It was a wonderful day." He recalled, looking up at his wife for a beat. "We had, dancing and a wonderful party … and I got to tell everyone how much I loved mummy, and how much I wanted for us to be a family."

"Oh my Charlie." She whispered, tears in her eyes.

"We were going to be a perfect family, just the two of us … and then your mummy surprised me with the most beautiful lad …" Carson started to choke on his tears. "Whom I've such wonderful dreams for."

"Oh? And what are those?" Elsie urged.

"Well." He supposed, taking his son's tiny feet in his hands as the babe yawned and stretched his toes. "I want for him to have a lovely boyhood, Mrs. Hughes: for him to be free to play, to grow and learn, not work. For him to have the love of his ma and da until he's old enough and strong enough to go out into the world on his own." He paused, noting the tears beginning to flow down her cheeks. It was a fear they had, that one or both of them wouldn't make it to Bretton's sixteenth year. "And for him to grow up to be whomever he wants to be."

"Oh Charlie. That's a wonderful dream for our baby boy."

"And since a baby sister isn't so likely for our wee lad, I think a … furrier friend, is in order once he's old enough."

Elsie gasped. "Oh my wee lad do you hear that, your da is going to let you have a puppy!" Elsie was surprised, and excited by this, having always wanted a pet.

"Yes. Perhaps when he's four or five… What is it, Mrs. Carson?" He asked, noting her mood had changed. Suddenly, she seemed to stare, having realized the other thing he'd just said.

"You… you'd have wanted a baby sister for Bretton?" She asked carefully. She was shocked, touched, and angered by the revelation, given how he'd acted during her pregnancy.

Carson said nothing and instead took his son's head in hand, rubbing his thumb over the tiny boy's forehead as he yawned. He took a few moments, seeming to think carefully, and gathered himself before speaking.

"My Mrs. Carson … I acted deplorably when you were expecting our miracle of a son. I shall never forgive myself for the pain caused to you, or the lovely time I lost with you, preparing for him to come into the world. I know we can never get that time back with Brett, or with any other baby … But yes, I'd have welcomed a baby sister without hesitation."

Elsie looked down, overwhelmed by the idea. She brought Brett in close as he yawned and her eyes filled with tears. She was touched, and a little bit hurt.

"He's sleepy." She made an excuse, not looking up at her husband. "I need to go and put him down before he…"

Carson paused, knowing his wife didn't like to put the baby down, and he didn't want her to go.

"No." He said, gently grabbing her wrist as she moved to get up. "It's our wedding anniversary, and Mrs. Carson I was wondering if I could have this dance."

Elsie's gaze softened when without another word, reached on the table behind him and flicked a switch. Elsie almost jumped in surprise, having not noticed the small radio there before.

"Oh my lord, am I that tired?" She wondered aloud.

Brett yawned as a gentle tune began to play, and with a smile, Charlie took Elsie in his arms and lovingly brought her to her feet.

"My Elsie is a new mummy, of course she's that tired." Carson insisted. "And I intend to insure she rests, and has some fun as well."

"Charlie … you? A radio?! How did you…?"

It wasn't just the money. Radios were getting smaller and cheaper than they'd been a few years prior. What she really wondered was why he'd done it. After all, he was the one who'd never been keen on the rented radio at the abbey (a much nicer radio than this one), or most especially, Lady Rose's phonograph. Could he have been listening when she'd once said she'd like to have one?

Elsie stared up at her husband in awe for a moment, blown away by the gift, then at once by the realization that she could really be sharing an anniversary dance with her husband and baby son.

"I love thee my Elsie." He whispered as Brett yawned again. "Happy Anniversary, and thank you so much … for the gift of sharing a full life with me."

Elsie said not a word, but started to kiss him. And together, they danced (and kissed) the night away, lulling their son to sleep.


	16. A Different Kind of Closeness

So sorry it's been such a long time since I've updated and done so steadily. I'm swamped with school, work, family issues and a computer that honestly doesn't work so well these days! Rest assured I've not forgotten fic and will continue to update! Thanks so much for all your support!

Ch 16 – A Different Kind of Closeness

Bretton looked up, blinking at the moonlight beaming through the window. The baby boy sighed, cuddling his bear close as he examined the magnificent light above and chewed on his hand, his little eyebrow rising higher by the second. He was a bit afraid, but too mystified by the twinkling stars to bother with crying. Since spring had turned to summer, Elsie had started to leave Brett's curtain open at night so he could stargaze, something she'd loved to do as a child.

Bretton was a bright babe, and while still very tiny, his little brain had grown by leaps and bounds in the few months since his birth. He gasped, clutching his teddy bear's fur, as a large blackbird zipped past totally eclipsing the night's sky. Brett panicked and cried out before beginning to chew on his bear's ear again.

Elsie stirred, her baby's subtle cry waking her almost instinctually. Half asleep, she sat up on her hands, straining to hear under her husband's loud snoring, and trying even harder to move, under his massive grasp. Charlie and Elsie had not been intimate in the few months since their son had been born, and really, in several more months prior to that.

It'd been just after she'd found out she was pregnant, around her third month, and their fifth month of marriage. It was then that he'd grown colder toward her, and she'd decided that nothing on earth could make her want to experience a _full_ life with him again. But now that they'd made up, and she'd healed they were trying again …. And failing.

Carson stirred, tightening his grip on Elsie, holding her much as their son held his teddy. Elsie, now quite awake, smiled and rolled over to face him, kissing his cheek as he snored.

"Charlie. Charlie love." She whispered.

"Mmm." He groaned.

"My Charlie." She whispered, tucking his hair behind his ear.

He coughed, clearing his throat and shaking his head, his eyes still closed.

"Yes, Mrs. Hughes, I'll polish the silver, then ring the gong."

"Charlie, no, no, m'love, we're at home, in bed."

"Oh, oh…" Elsie giggled to herself, noting her half asleep husband grow flustered. He cleared his throat. "You can tell Mrs. Hughes that she's the most beautiful woman on earth … that I love her … that I'd love her: warts and all."

"Oh Charlie." She giggled, grabbing his cheeks and kissing him deeply. "You've had me warts and all." She reminded sweetly.

Carson jumped as he finally woke, raising an eyebrow in deep confusion as to why. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, where were we?"

"Asleep for several hours, Mr. Carson." She giggled.

"We fell asleep again." He bit his lip, ashamed.

Every time they set out to make love, the two ended up falling asleep. Elsie found it a bit frustrating if not more amusing in some light, but for Carson it was angry making. He'd wanted to get married for a number of reasons, one of which he'd never be vulgar enough to admit to anyone but Elsie: he had needs.

"We're tired." She reasoned, settling back into his arms. "We work very hard, we have a new baby…"

Carson sighed. "I suppose you're right."

"Charlie I'm sorry that it's been nearly a year."

It had been almost a year, a painfully long time for a newly married couple.

"It's alright: it's my fault, not yours."

"I think its just life with a baby Mr. Carson."

He didn't reply and instead turned to kiss his wife, she stopped, allowing him to sink deep into her lips. She tilted her head, sighing as she wrapped her arms around his neck and they took up where they left off. In that instant, Brett began to cry.

…

"So, not even once?" Beryl asked sadly.

Elsie sighed, wishing she'd not said anything to her best friend about her love life, or her lack of one at present.

"Well, at least you know everything works." Beryl whispered, gesturing to the baby on Elsie's shoulder.

"Mrs. Patmore!" Elsie jumped, surprised at the frankness of the comment. "Yes, we know it all works, just as it should… Look, Mr. Carson won't like that I've said anything."

"Oh please! He's the one who came to me, asking me to negotiate a sex life! I don't need to do it again, do I?"

The housekeeper turned scarlet red, rocking her baby in her arms and kissing his cheek.

"I would say the first time was good enough." She said, jostling the baby in her arms. "If only mummy and daddy ever got a rest."

"I could take the little man for you." Beryl offered.

Elsie stopped, stunned at the suggestion. Really no one had kept Brett before and Elsie didn't think she was comfortable with the idea just yet.

"Oh Mrs. Patmore I would, but overnight, not with the crying and his feedings. He's too small!"

"Who says it has to be in the night, eh?"

"You're not suggesting…"

"An hour in your sitting room, or ooooh…!"

"What?"

"How about lunch today, you'll give Brett his feeding, I'll put him to sleep and you take your Mr. Carson on a picnic in the clearing and for a…"

"Mrs. Patmore, outside!"

"It's supposed to be more thrilling when you can get caught." She said bashfully.

"You've been reading those romance novels again."

"So what if I have?! It's a good idea."

Elsie sighed. "I'll take the picnic … but perhaps we'll find our way back up to our cottage." Elsie mused, turning to leave the room.

"Or to the barn." Beryl called. "I hear it's nice in the barn."

Beryl jumped as Daisy walked in, giving her a confused look.

….

"Shuuuu my wee little one." Elsie whispered, rocking Bretton as he fell asleep. He fussed against his mother's chest, seeming to realize she was planning on parting with him. "Shuuu my blessed babe, have a good sleep and your mummy will be back when you wake up."

Elsie tucked Brett into the cradle she kept in her sitting room and kissed his cheek again. Brett sucked on his fingers as the cradle rocked, lulling him into deeper sleep.

"What's this I hear of a picnic, Mrs. Hughes?" Carson inquired, coming toward her from the kitchen. "I haven't gotten time for a picnic today, I…."

"Trust me you do!" Beryl said, following Carson at his heals and handing him a picnic basket.

"Oh I don't know either…" Elsie paused.

"No, that's it, I insist. I'll care for your baby lad, and I'll look after everything else here, go enjoy yourselves. I met…"

"That'll do fine, Mrs. Patmore." Elsie assured, taking Carson's hand and rushing out the back.

…

"We're not exactly dressed for it, now are we?" Carson asked of a picnic.

Elsie shook her head, thinking about how Beryl would've cheekily replied: 'You don't _have_ to be dressed.'

"Charlie just… think of it as a nice, spontaneous surprise. You married me wanting a few more of those in your life and so far we've not really had many."

"Well, just the one and it was a big one." He smiled, referring to their son.

Carson wondered how a picnic could possibly be a spontaneous surprise. Elsie took his hand, leading him out toward the little creek that surrounded the outskirts of Downton. It was a secluded place with a clearing around the creek, and a lush bank of trees all around that, shielding it from view of the estate. It was the place where Elsie had thrown Mr. Bates' leg braces into the water many years before. More recently, she and Charlie had come here a few times while courting, it was here they'd had their second kiss.

"What brought all this on?" He raised an eyebrow as they sat down to dine.

He'd brought her on a picnic there shortly after their engagement, and loved the sentiment that she might bring him back here again. He wouldn't say it, but in his heart it was the ultimate sign that she forgave him.

"This was a wonderful spot my Mrs. Carson." He whispered, beginning to kiss her. Elsie cupped his cheeks in her hands as they kissed, tilting her head and, rubbing his face softy as they parted.

It was a picturesque spring day, much like it'd been the first time they'd gone there. The sun shone brightly and the light breeze swept through Elsie's hair in a way that took her husband's breath away. His heart thudded fast in his chest as he watched her smile back at him, and without a second thought, leaned in kissing her deeply.

"I wonder." Carson supposed. "If we could travel with our lad."

"Hmmm." She asked, beginning to get out their lunch. It was the last thing on her mind and she wanted to hurry up that portion of their break.

"Its surely not something you or I ever got to do as children… I can afford to give our lad a little adventure. Perhaps to see his mother's homeland?"

Elsie looked up quickly, wondering if he met that. She'd love to take her bairn to Scotland.

"I'd love to take him to see his mother's land, and his country's biggest city, and to have carefree days at the sea."

Elsie giggled, remembering falling just a bit more in love with him when they were at the sea. "Mr. Carson that's so… unlike you. I'd love to do that as a family. Oh Charlie I'd love that so much."

"I'm so glad we went another way." He whispered and her eyes widened.

"Y-you remembered that?"

"I could never forget it. You gave me such hope that day. All seemed lost and you came in and breathed the few simple words I always wanted to hear you say: that you wished you'd gone another way, and you wondered if I did too. Until then I'd only hoped I had a chance with you … I just wish I'd asked you then, right then if you and I could go another way."

"Charlie could you've ever imagined our other way?" She giggled.

"Certainly not, not in a thousand years." Carson paused, staring into her eyes.

Without hesitation, she arched her head upward and started to kiss him, running her hand up his chest. Charlie sunk into the kiss, placing his hand on the back of her head and laying her down gently on the blanket.

…

"Where are they?" Thomas asked under his breath.

"I don't know! I hope they're alright!" Beryl panicked, desperately rocking a now screaming Brett.

It'd been several hours since Carson and Elsie had gone out on their picnic, and they'd yet to return. Brett had woken more than an hour earlier sobbing, and desperately wanting his mummy or his daddy. He'd not stopped crying since then.

"Here, I'll take the lad." Thomas stretched out his arms. It was the third time he'd inquired.

"You?!"

"Yes me. I told you, children love me. Just ask Master George."

Beryl jumped as Thomas practically snatched Brett from her arms and began to rock him. Despite their worry for the Carsons, Beryl and Daisy stared as Thomas rocked the baby sweetly, managing to stop his tears.

"There, what is all the fuss about Bretton? There have you got your… what are you looking at?" He asked, turning back to Beryl and Daisy.

"N-nothing. Just it's a surprise is all you and a baby?"

"I do have a soft side. Now if you'll excuse us, we've a gong to ring."

…

Beryl hurried to the Carson's cabin, part of her worried something was wrong and another part, deeply worried she'd be interrupting something. When no one came to the door, she crept inside, quickly finding that no one was there.

"Where on earth could they be?!" She asked, panicking now.

Beryl was overwhelmed, quickly feeling responsible for whatever misfortune might've befallen her friends. A litany of thoughts ran through her head as she wandered outside:

'What if they're dead?! What if they're hurt? What if they couldn't stand the pressure and ran off?' Beryl's heart sunk at the thought. The Carson's did have so much pressure.

Beryl walked around the garden, trying to think of where they might've gone on a picnic. She'd supposed at first, that they would've gone home. It was then she remembered Elsie telling her of a romantic little spot by the stream. Beryl hurried in that direction, once again hoping not to interrupt anything. The cook sighed in sadness and relief when she saw them.

"The poor dears." Beryl said quietly, biting her lip. "They're so tired they never even got to have a scandal…"

The Carson's, you see, fell asleep cuddled up together on their picnic blanket. Fully clothed, the lunch only half eaten.

…

Carson and Elsie rushed into the house in a panic: one alarmed he'd not been there to ring the gong, the other in a frenzy about the state of her baby. Brett's cries filled their ears as soon as they reached the back door. Thomas had had work to attend to and left the baby with poor Daisy, who stood rocking the child frantically in an attempt to soothe him.

"Bretton, Brett, it's alright my wee baby boy your mummy's here. Your mummy's here, shuuuu."

Elsie took her baby in her arms, cupping his head in her hand and kissing him behind his ear as she held him close.

"Mummy's back, she didn't forget you my wee boy." Brett stopped his fussing at once, relieved to be in his mother's arms. Being so small, he wasn't exactly sure what he'd thought had happened, he only knew he desperately wanted his mother to come back.

Elsie took him in her sitting room and started to nurse, wrapping a blanket around her son and paying no mind to anything but him. She looked up, almost jumping when she heard Beryl knock on the door.

"We were so worried." She confessed.

"I'm sorry. Mr. Carson and I are very, very tired it would seem."

Brett nursed every two or three hours and never slept through the night.

"Mrs. Hughes I just … I got to thinking when we didn't know where you were, what would happen to the lad if something happened to you?"

…

Hours later, Elsie still found herself startled by her friend's words. What would happen to Brett, if something were to happen to them? She watched her husband as he sat half asleep at the table, rubbing the baby's back. Her heart sunk. Her husband had gotten married, wanting someone to share and lighten what burdens life had already given them both … he hadn't asked for even more burden.

"Charlie." She whispered, putting the dinner on the table.

He jumped, waking at her words. "I'll have all the clean nappies folded in the…"

"No love, this isn't about chores."

"Oh. Good." He sighed, continuing to rub Bretton's back.

"Charlie I'm sorry we're all so tired, m'love."

"It shall pass." He said simply, kissing his boy's chubby cheek.

Elsie smiled, sitting beside her husband and son. "I told you when you were in my tummy, that he'd end up being a good daddy, didn't I Bretton?"

Brett yawned, squeaking a little as he opened his blue eyes wide.

In truth, this tiredness had been everything Carson had been afraid of, but perhaps it wasn't so bad. He could never have imagined the joy of having a son before he had one.

"Charlie, what will happen to Brett should something happen to us?" Elsie asked as they began to eat.

Carson, who still held the baby, almost choked. Clearing his throat, he moved to protest, but his wife stopped him.

"I'm not saying it shall happen, but, we owe it to him to prepare."

Carson sighed deeply. "I had planned on adjusting the will…" He admitted. "I've property to leave him now."

While it was a morbid conversation, Carson had to pause in pride at the fact that he had land to leave his boy when the time came. He hoped, he wouldn't leave it until he was old enough to tend to it himself; to make use of the business he and Elsie had already built there. Either way, he knew it would provide for the child in his absence.

"Our little house." She whispered, her eyes sparkling with tears at the thought that her son should have something like that to inherit. She'd never thought, when Carson had started to look for a home for them, that they'd have a baby to leave it all too.

"Yes." Carson breathed deep, wanting to end this conversation quickly. "But I suppose you met the who, not the what."

"That's right. I want Mrs. Patmore to take him."

Carson shook his head. "She's our age, although I understand the consideration."

Elsie secretly wished Mr. Branson were settled with a nice girl, she would trust him with her son, having loved him like a son. She knew in a heartbeat that the one-time cheuffuer would say yes, but that her husband wouldn't have it. Carson had it on the tip of his tongue to suggest Lady Mary, knowing she wouldn't refuse him, and would make sure Bretton was cared for all his days. But Carson knew better than to suggest that to Elsie: she just wouldn't have it.

"Oh Charlie I've an idea…" She paused. "The Bates', they should be his godparents."

Carson looked up, stunned and raised an eyebrow. "I never thought I'd hear that from you: the woman who spent the better part of six months claiming she was begrudging you your babe."

"Anna's been sweet with him, and she's so hurt, Mr. Carson."

"I know she is."

"As I said before, no matter how hard it is, or how old and tired we are, I wouldn't trade in our precious babe for anything. But you must admit, they'd make wonderful parents. They're young, and in love … just the kind of family I'd want my baby to have. I trust them."

"I don't like this conversation." Carson said, his heart sinking, tears welling in his eyes.

Elsie reached over, drying his tears, smiling sympathetically. He hated this kind of worry and doubt, it was the reason he'd reacted so badly to her pregnancy. The very idea made him worry like this.

"They were very kind in bringing a gift for our babe … I think we should be kind to them: offer them a godson, and him an aunt and uncle."

Carson nodded as he cried. "Yes Elsie I think it's for the best."

"My Mr. Carson, don't cry. Please don't cry."

"Elsie I just don't want to fail him, or leave him, or…"

"And you will not. We're making a plan for him, Mr. Carson, not giving him away. You're still going to be the one to teach him to be a fierce little cricketer, and I'm still going to take him into the garden, and at night, we'll still tuck him in bed."

Carson looked down at his son barely believing the tiny boy could be a fierce cricketer. He laughed in spite of his tears, the idea that he could share his favorite past time with the boy not having crossed his mind before. In that instant, he felt all the more guilty for having rejected his pregnant wife.

"Oh Elsie, that's right, he is my little cricketer." He kissed Brett's tiny cheek. "I just want to raise him, my son. Oh my wife and my son."

Carson was overcome, and so afraid of letting them down or leaving them behind: they were his dream, but a younger man's responsibility. Elsie giggled, her heart fluttering at the notion that she might be precious to her Mr. Carson.

"We're not getting on too far, Mr. Carson. If we were, do you think our bodies would've chosen to make a baby?"

He shook his head 'no' at the suggestion.

"No, if that were true, making love would've given us both a heart attack, not a baby heart." She leaned over and kissed her son's cheek.

Normally it irked Carson when she said things like this, but he couldn't help but beam at the thought that their love had made a baby heart. He'd always imagined what their child could be like he'd never imagined he'd see it. No matter how indifferent, or afraid he'd been before, nothing had ever been more precious to him than the baby heart he held in his hands.

Carson gulped. "Alright then, its settled Mrs. Carson." He said, his hand beginning to shake as he held their son. She reached out and grabbed it, holding it steady. "We've a plan for him."

….

Carson sighed, closing his eyes as he fell into bed. While the conversation had been difficult, he found that something in him now felt completely at peace. His heart and his body rested more easily, the bed seeming to cradle him as he settled in. After a moment, he felt his wife tenderly begin to kiss his lips.

"Hmmm, Mrs. Carson." He said, not opening his eyes. "Are you sure we're not old, when we're far too tired to make love?"

"It's a new mummy and daddy thing, Mr. Carson, not an old person thing. Now, where were we?" She asked, going back to the work of kissing him.

He smiled, but kept his eyes closed, still embarassed by the fact that they fell asleep every time they attempted sex. Elsie felt badly, as if she were neglecting her wifely duties. She'd told him this before and he'd forgiven her, citing that no one had expected her, in her middle (if not advanced) age, to bare him a son. But he felt badly, all the same that he'd been neglecting his husbandly duties. Carson rolled over on top of her, kissing her deeply, deciding that this too would be put to rest that night.

"You know how else I know we're not getting on too much?" She asked between kisses. Elsie paused, running her fingers down his formidable chest and toward his waist. "Because everything works so well."

Carson chuckled, running his massive hands up her nightgown, before kissing her again. "Indeed it does."

Usually he was irked when she made references to something sexual, it seemed so unlike the Elsie he knew, yet somehow he found himself coming to enjoy them. Elsie's heart began to thud in excitement as they kissed, thinking that for once, they were home free, but then, Brett began to scream.

…

Carson sighed, running his fingers through his son's hair.

"It's a different closeness, but its still a nice closeness, Mrs. Carson."

She smiled, beaming up at him. Carson and Elsie lie in bed, their son scrunched up between them half asleep, nursing. Elsie tilted her head up, kissing her husband's nose as the two started to drift off to sleep.


	17. To London We Will Go, Part I

Ch 17- To London We Will Go, Part I

July 1926

"Say goodbye to daddy, Brett. Say bye-bye." Elsie said softly, cradling her son in her arms as she held his little hand, making him wave.

'Well, where's he going?' Brett thought.

Carson smiled deeply, looking down at his wife and baby son. Tears welled in Elsie's big blue eyes, and Brett looked around every which way, raising his tiny eyebrow at all the new things on the busy train platform. He put his little fist in his mouth in confusion, beginning to slobber on it. It was a warm summer's day and they were all about to part for a short while, as Carson accompanied the family to London for a long weekend. Elsie and Mrs. Patmore would not be needed.

Brett grimaced in deep confusion, almost crying out when the train's signal sounded loudly. His heart began to race and was quickly quieted when his father leaned down to kiss him. The baby boy looked up; intrigued as he watched his father kiss his mother deeply: right there on the train platform.

"Isn't it so romantic?" Cora asked her husband, her eyes sparkling at the sight.

Lord and Lady Grantham watched the Carsons from their place on the train. Cora thought it a great romance, but Robert still found it was difficult to get used to. He'd never thought he'd adjust to calling Elsie, Mrs. Carson. And then, just when he thought he could handle that, she'd gone and had a baby (the sight of Elsie, pregnant and the size of a house had been something no one at Downton, including Carson, had ever adjusted to).

But now to see Carson, the picture of propriety, kissing Mrs. Hughes on the train platform … Robert didn't disprove of the relationship, for it'd quite pleased him that they were happy, but something about it reflected a world turned upside down.

"It is a world quite unlike what we've known before." Cora reflected, kissing her husband's cheek. He turned back to her, surprised. They were in public. "And I like it."

"Welcome to America." Robert could hear Mary tease in the background.

"Oh hush!" Cora admonished.

"I love thee Mrs. Carson. It'll be but a few days." Carson reminded.

"We love you too my Mr. Carson."

Elsie stood watch as her husband boarded the train and disappeared into the crowd. Suddenly Cora caught her eye. The lady waived excitedly at the baby and winked at his mother who did the same in reply.

"What's that about?" Robert inquired as the train made its first lurch forward.

"You'll see." She smiled.

….

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Beryl asked. "We could have a girls' weekend!"

Elsie nodded, placing the final pins on Brett's new nappy. "We'll have a girl's weekend next weekend when Mr. Carson is home and he takes Bretton to see a cricket game."

"A cricket game? He's just a wee tyke."

"Mr. Carson thinks he's got a little cricketer on his hands." Elsie smiled, tickling her son's tummy, causing the little boy to squeal aloud with laughter. "Bretton, would you like to make your first trip to London, and see your da?" Brett was confused, wondering why they would see daddy when he'd just gone.

"It's amazing, idn't it?" Beryl reflected.

"Hmm?" Elsie asked grabbing some clean nappies and placing them in the small suitcase she was packing.

"It's just five minutes ago, that he was just a happy wee bean jumping around in your belly, and now he's a cricketer!"

….

Elsie traveled very light on her trip to London, bringing only one small case with her. She'd been worried Brett would cry on the train, but instead he slept as she held him close, propping him up. The baby could barely sit up on his own and, couldn't really roll over yet, but did a good job of holding his head high.

Elsie looked down at Brett in silent wonder as he slept, slobbering on his own hand. It was summer, but she'd bundled him well for travel, swaddling him in a light blanket and placing a cap on his head. Elsie cradled her son close, cringing at the thought that someone might mistake her for her beloved babe's grandmother. But no one did.

When she arrived in London, there was a car there to greet her, just as Cora had promised there would be. It was the Lady's idea, you see, that Elsie come to London and surprise her husband. Cora'd felt badly for the love lost between the two during the pregnancy. At the time, she hadn't felt there was much she could do other than assuring Elsie of her place at Downton. But now, she wanted to help the couple and reward them for making it through. Cora had suggested Elsie leave Brett in the care of Downton's nursery for a couple of days, but she wouldn't have it: he was simply too little.

Bretton was awake by the time his mother began the long walk up the steps of Grantham house. He almost gasped in wonder, his little blue eyes wide as he suppressed a yawn. Elsie was uncomfortable doing it this way; but Cora had insisted. She was to come into the house, not through the back as usual, but as a guest. In an unusual turn of events, it was Cora, not Carson or Thomas who met Elsie at the door. The Lady greeted her with a smile, reaching out and tickling Brett's chubby cheek softly.

"Welcome." She whispered. "Please, come in."

Elsie wanted to question why Cora would go to all this trouble, but knew she was simply being kind. Cora led her into the sitting room and gestured for her to sit across from her. Elsie felt so out of place there, as if waiting for an inquisition.

"Now remember." Cora advised. "If you and Carson would like, I will keep Bretton tonight."

It was the second time she'd offered, and Elsie was blown away by the idea, not really knowing if the grand lady knew what to do with an infant.

"Thank you m'lady, it's very kind of an offer."

"He's a sweetheart." She cooed, her voice causing Brett to giggle.

In truth, Cora wanted an excuse to babysit, just as the Grantham grandchildren, wanted an excuse to play with him. Elsie looked down at her son as the doors closed behind Cora and she called out for Carson to serve the tea.

"I wonder who your daddy thinks he'll find in here?" Elsie giggled.

Carson was annoyed, wondering why Lady Grantham had insisted he serve the tea when Thomas could've easily done it. In fact, he wondered why he'd been asked to come at all. There was little do and he was upset: his hands were shaky that day and he just wanted to go home. Carson took a breath, settling himself before walking into the sitting room. He'd make it professional: he'd make it quick.

"Elsie!" He exclaimed, beyond shocked when he opened the door to find his wife sitting there. "What are you doing here?!"

"Hi daddy." She smiled; taking Brett's little hand and making him wave again.

"Elsie how did…"

"Lord and Lady Grantham brought you here on pretense. She figured we could use a few day's holiday, you and I."

"I… you mean, I've not got to work?" He raised an eyebrow.

"No. Baby lad and I are here to see you, and of course we'll sleep upstairs."

"Oh. Oh that is a relief: a wonderful relief. So I've the weekend to spend in London with my wife and baby lad? If she's so inclined, I'd like to take you to dinner and a night on the town."

"Oh I'd love that."

"Wait… Bretton?"

Elsie bit her lip. "Her ladyship had offered to take him… "

"Her ladyship?" Carson was shocked.

"Yes. A number of times. I'm uncertain of what to think, Charlie, does she know how to care for a baby?"

"Well she has had three…"

"Yes but she had someone to care for them when they were young. He will cry and wet and need to be fed, and I just don't know… He's never had an evening away from us. And you remember what happened last time."

Carson sighed. "I think the lad could handle a few hours."

"WHAT?!"

"Provided he's been fed, and put in a fresh nappy, JUST before we go out."

"He does rather like her ladyship…"

…

"Alright my wee sweetheart."

Carson paused at the green baize door, hearing his wife dote on their baby as she came up the stairs. He'd been about to speak but stopped, floored when she came into sight: she was stunning.

"Elsie I…"

She looked up when he spoke and blushed suddenly, noting how enchanted he was with her. Miss Baxter had told her she looked gorgeous before she came up; but she hadn't been sure she believed it… until now.

"Mrs. Hughes. You are simply stunning." Carson spoke nearly under his breath. She blushed.

"Thank you Charlie." She bit her lip, hardly able to hide her smile.

"Oh look there he is, there he is, Bretton Carson, the wee handsome boy!" Cora cooed, taking Brett out of Elsie's arms with ease.

The baby fussed at the transition, not understanding why Cora would be taking him. She offered him a sliver rattle, and although distracted by desire for his mother, Brett found himself taken with the shiny toy.

"Carson, Mrs. Hughes, I promise he'll have a lot of fun and then be off to bed."

"If you're sure, m'lady?" Elsie asked again.

"I'm sure. Have a wonderful time, you both deserve it."

Elsie hesistated again, kissing Brett on the head, waiving goodbye as she and Carson finally left. It was in that moment that Brett frinally realized they'd left himthere and began to fuss.

"It's alright my darling." Cora said. "We're going to have quite a bit of fun."

"Mama." Mary laughed, coming down the stairs. "Do you know what you're doing?"

Cora laughed, bouncing Brett in her arms as he continued to fuss. "Of course I know what I'm dong!"

The women paused a beat, and at once called out: "Anna!


End file.
